Watching Them
by rockifer
Summary: Abby watches as her friends and family cope with her death. AU
1. How I Died

Watching Them

by Rockifer

1. Most of the characters of this fic are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, Michael Cricheton, John Wells, etc. Please do not sue us for their use, we are making no profit.  
2. This story is roughly cannon up to season ten but then diverges from the show, and is set about six years later. Most of what has happened in that time becomes clear in the first few chapters.

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How I Died

It was Susan Lewis, my best friend, who discovered my body that night. I had been dead then for close to an hour, but she still had to try, she and nearly the entire ER staff. Who could blame them, if it had been me that found the body of a coworker locked, blindfolded, bound, and gagged in a closet, I would have done the same thing. They worked for another hour before the realization finally hit them.

"Time of death 23:08," I heard Luka call defeated, even though they all knew I didn't stand a chance when they brought me in. Hell I hadn't taken a breath in an hour. If they got my heart started again, brain damage was more then just a possibility. No thank you. Nobody spoke, nobody moved for a good three minutes, it was Susan who did it. She suddenly turned an interesting shade of green and bolted out the door, not bothering to shed her trauma gear, my blood still on it.

She ran to the bathroom, and barely managed to make it into a stall, her stomach losing whatever she had last put into it.

"Susan," it wasn't a question, wasn't a demand, but a voice that told Susan that everyone was there for her. Sam held back her hair as the vomiting continued, rubbing her back, but not knowing what to say. "Susan," Sam finally spoke after a good ten minutes, as Luka entered, not caring that it was the ladies restroom "Susan, we need to call Sean."

Sean Jennings, my husband, the father of my triplets, that's right three of them. All boys, identical boys at that, Jack, Toby, and Jacob, five years old and now without their mother. They were currently upstairs in the nursery, safe from the evil that had taken my life. As long as Sean and my boys are safe, I'll be fine. I'm always fine. Hell, I'm dead and I'm saying I'm fine.

"Someone needs to go to the boys," Susan suggested, somewhat regaining her composure. Thank you Susan. "We need to make sure they're okay." Luka nodded and stepped out, grabbing one of the multiple security guards that was now swarming the ER, after all, another doctor had been murdered, I had been murdered. The security guard spoke something into his radio and immediately three of his men ran past, on their way to the nursery.

I wanted to stay with Susan and my coworkers, and go with security to get my children How could I do both? I knew they were safe, that they had not been harmed. That they were fast asleep. Finally , I decided to follow security, I wanted to see my children again. Susan went with the guards to get my boys.

"Hello Dr. Lewis," the nursery attendant smiled, obviously unaware of what was going on just floors below. She took a second glance and noticed the security guards with her. "Dr. Lewis, are you alright?"

"The Jennings' triplets, where are they?" she managed to get out.

"Right over here, they're all asleep," she nodded in the direction of the beds where the boys were asleep. "Is everything okay Dr. Lewis?"

Susan took a deep breath and walked over to my boys, relieved to find out that they were just fine, had not been harmed, not like their mother. "No. Dr. Lockhart," yes, I kept my last name, don't ask me why, I just did. "Abby's gone." she stopped, "Their mother was murdered." a sharp gasp came from all the nursery room attendants, many already had tears in their eyes. They all knew me, I took my kids to the nursery nearly everyday. "May I use your phone?" she asked, still watching over my boys. I don't know how Susan is doing this, I know I never would have been able to. Maybe it's because she's still in shock?

"Yes, its right over there,"

Susan nodded and went over to the phone, the security guards had positioned themselves right outside the door, in case he came back. She dialed my husband's number into the phone and waited.

"Agent Jennings," he answered. Yes, that's right, my husband is a special agent with the FBI, wait not just an agent, but I'll explain that later.

"Hi Sean, its Susan," she was desperately holding back the tears, she didn't want to do this.

"Hi Susan," did anything clue him in? Why would my best friend be calling him, unless something was wrong? "How are you?"

"Sean, um," she paused, how was she going to tell him that his wife was dead. "You need to get down to County now."

"Susan, I'm in Dallas, I can try and get there, but it will take a few hours. Why?" he said, still not getting what Susan was trying to convey. At that point I wanted to hit him with that damn gun he carried everywhere, read between the lines Sean! I know if my someone called a thousand miles away and telling me that I needed to get to wherever Sean was, I would be there in a heartbeat.

"It's Abby, Sean."

"Is she okay?" he said after a few moments of silence, maybe he realized, maybe, somehow, he already knew.

"No. She... She passed away about an hour ago." oh here we go, she was about to tell one of Chicago's most powerful and respected FBI agents that his wife had been violently murdered. "Sean," I could hear Susan's voice cracking with each syllable, "Abby...Sean, Abby was murdered" Susan uttered the last words with extreme swiftness, before lowering her head.

"I'm on my way," that was it, then a click. My husband was always calm and collected, its what kept him alive in the field. I don't know if it hurt me that he didn't seem shocked by my death, that he didn't yell or scream, well at least to Susan. When he got back to Chicago, I'm sure he would have a word with a few of his men.

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More to come, reviews are appreciated but will not determine the course of the story. 


	2. Tell The Boys

Welcome to chapter two of 'Watching Them.' Thank you for your time

1. Most of the characters in this story are from the show 'ER' and therefore the property of whoever owns the show. To whoever owns the show- we're not making any money off of this, please don't sue us.

2. The characters that aren't from the show are ours. The plot is ours.

3. This story is told in the first person from the point of view of Abby Lockhart's ghost/immortal soul/spirit/whatever, in case that was unclear.

4. Please review- if we know what we're doing wrong, we can try to fix it.

Enjoy

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Tell The Boys

_The man who did this, I had never seen before, but apparently he knew Sean. My death was his payback, Sean had taken away something important, so naturally he would take what Sean valued most in return - me. I never saw it coming, who would have? Sure, I knew that most of the criminals Sean arrested vowed revenge, but never believed they would actually act. Wrong._

I watched as Sean told the Dallas field agent that he had an emergency, no sense in telling them what it was, they would figure it out soon enough. The reporters were already at County. He got into a black sedan and was driven to the airport, on the way he called his partner, Ryan James who was still in Chicago. I liked Ryan from the get go, I knew that he and Sean would die for one another in the field. They were the best of friends. Had been since they had been assigned together, ten years ago. Ryan was like another brother to me, he is the boys godfather, he is wonderful.

"Hey man, what's up," Ryan answered his phone casually.

"I need you to get to County," his voice was forced.

"I'm kind of busy," Ryan replied as he took another sip of his beer and continued watching the Bears game. Well a replay of it. But I knew Ryan would go, he would do anything for my family.

"Abby..." he couldn't finish the sentence, maybe my death was starting to sink in.

"What's wrong man?" Ryan said, standing up looking for his keys. Maybe Ryan could read between the lines, or maybe it was the way Sean was speaking, but Ryan knew something was very wrong almost immediately.

"She... She was," he paused and closed his eyes, trying to form the words. The car he was riding in was speeding towards the airport, a police escort leading them. The advantages of being a high honcho in the FBI.

"I'm on my way, just tell me what happened," Ryan already had a feeling.

"Susan called me, Abby was murdered," he didn't stutter, didn't falter, it just came out. Like I was just one of his cases, not his wife. That hurt.

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Sean wouldn't get to Chicago for at least three hours, Ryan was on his way, and everyone in the ER was still in shock. I had nowhere else to be but the nursery, with my boys. Susan was holding Toby, they were still asleep thank God.

The door opened and Kerry Weaver walked in, the look on her face, well obviously she knew. She slowly walked over to Susan, I had to watch this, wanted to hear what she was going to say.

At first she didn't look like she knew what to say, a rare site, _the kind of thing I'd have photographed for posterity under different circumstances_, like if someone hadn't just died and that someone _hadn't_ been me. It was weird seeing her like that, at a loss for words, there are many things Kerry Weaver is. Soft-spoken and tongue-tied have _never_ been among them. She took a deep breath, and let it out, and then inhaled again, and then she spoke, "Susan," _oh brilliant_ Kerry, because at the moment, I'm sure she can't remember her name, _not._ How about something helpful, consoling, she's not good at dealing with death, "You all right?" Yes, _another _stroke of brilliance, like I said, _something worthwhile_. God, I feel like I'm screaming at you, _why the hell can't you hear me? _Aren't _you listening_? I know you're my boss and all, but when someone makes a good suggestion, _you could at least... Oh wait, you can't, or maybe I can't_. I'm dead, so either I can't talk, or you can't understand me. Susan scooted away a bit, and Kerry crouched down next to Susan. She wants to say it will be all right, but she knows how Susan would take that, so instead, her voice cracked a bit when she said, "You did all you could."

"We didn't know! How did we not notice she was missing?" Susan whispered.

"No one knew; no one had a reason to... To suspect anything was wrong. There's no way to know that something like this is going to happen."

"We tried Kerry, I found her in the closet and I knew immediately that we had lost her, but we had to try," she cried as Toby shifted in her arms. Susan was their godmother, she had been there for their births, she spoiled my kids rotten, my boys and Cosmo were best of friends.

"Sometimes that's all you can do. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's a loosing battle, there's nothing that can be done."

"There's going to be an FBI investigation, you know Sean will lead it," she watched as Jack opened his eyes and slowly walked over to Kerry, holding his teddy bear, the one I had given him just two months before, when he had his tonsils taken out.

"They'll catch whoever did it. Half the bureau will probably be on something like this."

Susan nodded - the place was already swarming with security and press. I could already visualize the headline. Wife of Director of Chicago FBI found dead. How interesting is that? "Hi Dr. Weaver," Jack said crawling over to her seeing that Susan had Toby in her arms.

"Hi Jackie," she said and eased herself into a sitting position, then pulled him into her lap. How _many times do I have to tell everyone at work that Jackie is a girl's name._ Neela, Kerry, Susan, Sam, Chuny, Haleh, every single one of them calls him that. Hell, he _calls himself_ that now.

"Is Toby okay?" he asked, snuggling into Kerry. He was exhausted, but always the care giver, always concerned for everyone else, right now it was his brother. The bear, whom he had named Bob, still clenched in his grip.

"Yes, Toby's fine Jackie, just fine," she glanced at Susan, then spelled out 'have you told them yet?' The old mom trick because for at least the first few years, they can't understand that, it's a secret code, or another language. Well, at least Susan and I had been that lucky, Henry, who, by the way, is destined to be either a genius or a demon of some sort, figured it out at three and a half, she was forced to switch to Spanish, only to discover that his grandparents had been teaching him that, so now it's French. If he starts to pick that up, she's doomed, because no one else speaks Swahili, and though it might work, I can't imagine her trying pig Latin.

"Where's mommy, she a'sposted to come up and tuck us in,; she always does," _Jack the braniac - he would be a doctor, I could already tell. _

Kerry looks to Susan again for an answer. A shake of the head. She's waiting for Sean to tell them. _Damn it, he is not good at the touchy stuff_. "She had to take a nap Jackie," not quite a lie. Okay, maybe it is, but then again... Maybe it's best not to just spring it on them. Just as long as someone tells them before Sean comes and screws it up. I mean no discredit to the man, he's a wonderful father, and a wonderful husband, but he is really, really bad at explaining death. The goldfish incident comes to mind. He was supposed to tell them it was gone and flush the thing. I don't know exactly what he said, but two months ago, _I found myself autopsying a goldfish with three wailing kids observing.

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_

Jacob's awake now, Jacob the youngest, yet the feistiest, fought me tooth and nail on everything, just like his dad. He was quite upset when Jack got the teddy bear, so I gave in and sent Sean to the gift shop to find two more. But instead of dragging a teddy bear Jacob has become fond of an old baby blanket, never let me wash the damn thing while he was awake. Jacob was also diabetic, diagnosed at the age of two. I was able to pick up on the symptoms pretty early on, so thankfully he wasn't to0 sick when we found out. It was still a shock though. We had to stay in the Children's Hospital, get his sugar stabilized. He's going to a diabetes camp in about two weeks; well at least he was, not sure if that will happen anymore. Its supposed to be a family thing, we'll see. "We start kindergarten tomorrow Aunt Susan!" he said proudly.

She nodded sadly and forced a smile, "That's great," the one easy thing about kids that age, they still can't tell when you're lying, even if you're really, really bad at it. I think they should start tomorrow, keep busy, but something tells me that's not what's going to happen.

A knock came again at the door, and Ryan walked in, two other agents behind him. Damn, they had gotten there fast. "Hi guys!" he said as two of my boys ran to him and did a giant leap into his arms. I could tell that he didn't know the details yet, most likely hadn't stopped in the ER, probably had just come right up to the boys.

Susan and Kerry just sat there for a moment, staring at Ryan and the posse. Let the kids play with Daddy's friend from work (the boys were still too young to understand the nature of my husband's job) for a few minutes before getting down to business.

"I drawed a picture for Mommy today, wanna see?" Jacob said, now full of energy. Jack had crawled back into Kerry's lab and was sucking his thumb. Toby had been oblivious to the entire thing, still asleep in Susan's arms.

"Sure," Ryan said, not knowing what else to do. They were cute kids, but looking at multicolor squiggles was not on the top of his to do list.

I watched as Jacob showed him the picture of what was supposed to be an airplane... I think. They stayed in the nursery for about ten minutes, taking in what had just happened. Ryan finally spoke "Hey guys, Dr. Weaver, Susan and I need to go outside really quick okay, we will be right back" he told them, Jack had fallen back to sleep, Jacob was on his way there. Who knew five year olds could have so much energy? But it was now past three in the morning, damn straight they better be getting to sleep.

Kerry carefully lifted the sleeping child off of her lap and into Ryan's arms, then pulled herself up. Susan was having a bit more difficulty, it seemed both of her legs were thoroughly asleep, which is exactly what she gets for sitting on them.

"Right outside please," one of the other agents gestured to them as he held the door open.

Susan, who had finally gotten the kid off of her lap and her butt off of the ground, and Kerry followed him out of the nursery and into the hall.

Ryan's smile faded, it was gone, he was near tears. His partner's wife had just been murdered. It seemed as if half the bureau was acceding on County then. "I'm so sorry," he said softly.

Susan nodded, "Sean should be here in a couple of hours, right?"

"He's on his way, he was in Dallas, he called me,"

"Landing at O'Hare?" _Yes, Susan_, he's landing at O'Hare. _Every flight coming into Chicago lands at O'Hare_. Okay, not every flight, ninety nine percent of them. I don't know the statistics, but it would be a safe bet. That was a dumb question.

"Yeah, he'll have a police escort out. Once he lands he should be here in about thirty minutes." I don't know how he's doing it, keeping calm. But something caught my eye, Jack had woken up again and was leaning out the door listening to every word being said, nobody noticed him. _Damn _them!

"Daycare's technically closed. Should I take them with me, maybe meet him at the airport?" Susan offered.

"He'll be surrounded by security, now that Abby has been--" he stopped short, "we don't know who did this yet, he might be the next target. You wouldn't be able to get to him if you tried."

"Is that what those two were for?" she asked, gesturing to the agents still in the daycare center, watching over my boys. Well, the two that haven't eluded their observation. How the hell are they going to keep the kids safe if they don't notice when one is missing!?

"Yes. The family will be protected until Abby's killer is caught." I saw Jack's face at that and immediately wanted to wrap him in my arms, _he knew_.

"Where should they stay though, in the mean time? The boys... This probably isn't the best place"

"I can take them," _thank-you Susan_. Sean would be too focused on the investigation, Susan's place was best.

"How should I handle informing the staff? Is it possible anyone else is at risk? Most of the ER already knows, a few up in surgery, outside of that, I think it stayed quiet. Should I have extra security on alert or..." _No Kerry, they were just after me_, maybe my boys. I think your precious hospital is safe. Not that it's yours, you just happen to run it.

"The premises has been searched, whoever did this is gone. Abby was the only one in danger." yeah, now you realize it. Jack is walking towards Susan, still nobody notices.

"Mommy's dead," he _wasn't_ asking. He was telling them, as if they didn't already know. Oh God _sweetie, please don't cry_. Please. _Be brave for mommy_. How did those idiots... Damn it, thank you Ryan, Susan, Kerry, now, aside from knowing that mommy's dead, Jackie knows how. Or at least enough about how to know it wasn't natural and wasn't peaceful. Mommy did not just take a nap. _Please don't cry Jackie, it's okay, it'll be okay._ Did I just call him Jackie? Damn it. _Don't cry._

Susan's heart went into her throat when she heard his voice, she turned around and saw him, still holding that bear. She couldn't hold back the tears anymore, bent down and scoped him into her arms, holding him against her white lab coat. Susan. God save. When I come back from the great beyond to strangle Ryan and Kerry in their sleep, you will be spared. Now stop crying so he won't start.

"I want Mommy," he cried to her as his tears rolled down his face. His cries were loud, loud enough to wake up his two brothers, who came out holding hands, wondering what was going on.

"Mommy can't come baby, I'm sorry. I know, I know. I'm sorry. Shh… Shush. It'll be all right". Susan started humming 'Blackbird.'

Jacob and Toby ran over to her, pulling on her lab coat, "What's wrong with Jack?" Toby asked, still half asleep.

"Nothing's wrong with Jack. He's sad, but he's okay," Susan promised and returned to her song.

"Ryan, why are you so sad, and so is Susan and Dr. Weaver?" _ah Toby, somehow he was always able to read another's emotions. It scared me how he did it._

Ryan looked blankly at the two women. _Ah yes, like my husband, one of the many men who is an emotional retard_. Kerry, Susan, one of you, tell them I'm dead _without_ traumatizing them. And they are _not sitting in on an autopsy_. You've got practice at this, years in the ER, now don't do anything I wouldn't... _Wait, no, just don't do anything stupid_. Kerry knelt down so she could be at his eye level, "Toby, it's about your mommy," she put a hand on his shoulder just in time, if she hadn't, he'd probably have started to wail. "Sometimes bad things happen to people, things that make them go to sleep, but it's not like normal sleeping because they never wake up. Do you understand?"

"Mommy's asleep? Daddy knows how to wake her up!" he smiled at them, I _swear_ if I would have been there, I would have turned bright red.

Susan and Kerry would have been cackling like witches at that comment normally, or at least Susan would be, but this isn't normal, and neither so much as cracked a smile. Kerry spoke on, "Something bad happened to your mommy, and Susan and Uncle Luka and Sammy all tried very hard to wake her up and help her, but they couldn't. No one can. Your daddy can't either."

Jack, obviously tired of hearing it, lifted his head off Susan's shoulder and looked at his two brothers, "Mommy's dead!" he shouted before once again collapsing into tears.

I saw flashes of horror across the faces of the adults for a moment. _That_ had not gone according to plan. Toby looked around for a moment, I knew that look - he was trying to pick a body part to latch onto. Kerry's knee was convenient. He stood there, bawling into her pant leg while she just shushed and rubbed his back.

"Who hurt mommy?"

"We don't know yet," Ryan spoke up. Monotone. How typical.

"Was it a stranger?" Jacob asked latching onto Ryan. I remember the numerous conversations Sean and I had had with the boys, warning them never to talk to strangers, that they could hurt them.

"Maybe."

_Oh come on guys! You're talking to five year olds! Do something! Tell them something… I want to cry out in frustration._

"I want to see mommy," Toby cried.

"You can't, Toby. She's gone," Kerry tried to soothe him. _Okay, good. They really don't need to see my mangled corpse until after I've been processed by the funeral home. God, I hope they can reset my nose. Even dead, I'm allowed _some_ vanity._

"Why didn't you help her?" Jack accused Susan, he was smart but still, smart for a five year old didn't mean he understood death.

"I tried, but there was nothing I could do."

"You're a doctor, mommy's a doctor," present tense I noted, he still didn't accept it.

"Sometimes people are hurt too badly for a doctor to help."

"It's not fair! She is going to take us to school tomorrow, we have new backpacks!" Toby cried as Kerry lifted him into her arms. They were _so excited_ about school, I had promised them that I would take them inside and talk to their teacher; they wanted me to meet her.

I _want_ to tell them I'll be there, watching over them. Don't they remember all the stories I'd told about guardian angels? "It's okay, it's okay," she kept whispering to him, I think it's the repetitive sound rather than the meaning that finally soothes him to sleep. Or maybe he's just exhausted himself.

"Susan, where should we keep them?" Ryan asked as he rocked Jacob in his arms, Toby in Kerry's and Susan held Jack. They were all asleep.

"They really shouldn't stay at the hospital, it's not a good environment, not now at least," smart woman, "my place I guess, until Sean can take them," _thank you Susan, I'm remembering why I made you their godmother right about now._

"I think they need to see Sean when he gets here, he'll want to see them. Plus, I need to find an agent to go with you, they can't be left alone until we figure out who has done this." _yay for Ryan!_ Actually thinking now, of course Sean would want to see his boys, that's all he had left.

"So what? The lounge then?" Ah, God _no! Do you know what they'll be exposed to there?_ Morris's vulgarity and stupidity, everyone's germs, the fumes from Pratt's coffee... Gossips, the reek coming from my locker... I really ought to have cleaned that thing out...

"They'll be safe there, and I need to collect evidence, I need to see the bod.. Abby," _nice Ryan, smooth move there buddy._

"Morgue, Elevator five, basement level, right, left when you get to the pharmacy, left at cytology, right at central processing, left at the hyperbaric, opposite pathology."

"No, Kerry," Susan began, "we haven't moved her yet,"

"He can wait there until she's moved then. At least give her the dignity of not being examined in a trauma room."

"I'm sorry, Susan, but the faster we get this going, the faster we can find..." he started but was quickly interrupted by the harsh words of my best friend.

"No, she's right. Have an orderly move her for you, but don't make a spectacle of her in my ER."

To late Susan, security is guarding trauma one, the press is interviewing any one in scrubs, or at least trying to.

"Go, start your investigation, but I'd better not find out she was autopsied in trauma one."

He nodded, "I guess put them in the lounge?" he asked about the triplets.

"Yeah, I guess," _God Susan, not the lounge. _Some spare office would be safer.

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	3. Headless Chickens Running

Insert the usual disclaimers here please.

Thank you for your continued readership.

We love reviews.

* * *

They were surrounded by security and FBI as they made their way downstairs; everyone shot sympathetic glances at my boys, at Susan, at Ryan. They walked into the lounge and set my boys down on the couch, where I had so often sat with them. Kerry mumbled something about getting security to dispose of the press, but other than that, they were a near silent bunch.

Ryan spoke up first, "Susan, I really need to see her. I need you there with me," _oh Ryan_, you'd better be prepared to comfort her; you don't know how I died or _anything_. She has to explain it all.

Kerry stepped in then, "A pathologist can assist you, that's really not Susan's arena."

"I need to know how you found her, if she was breathing, please Susan, for Abby," _ouch Ryan, _straight_ to the heart!_

"She was found bound, blindfolded and gagged in the supply closet, on her side. She wasn't breathing and she was pulseless."

"Was she raped? Did she have clothes on, beaten, what was the cause of death?" _please guys_, don't talk about this in front of my boys.

"Everything on her person was placed in an evidence bag. Speak with a pathologist about the rest."

"Susan, what are you going to tell Sean? He's going to ask the same questions I am, except he's not going to wait for a pathology report, Abby is his wife."

"You know the policy and procedure for dealing with this sort of thing. You go to the pathologist, speak with them, ER doctors fill in whatever gaps they can. Sean will be dealt with like any other grieving family member_," thank you_ Kerry, I'm not sure she would have been quite so tactful. In fact, from the look on Susan's face, I thought for a moment she might tell my husband's partner to fuck off. Or deck him.

"Okay." his phone rang, I knew who it was. Sean, of course. "Thank you... yes in the ER." and then he hung up. "Sean's plane just landed, they're on their way." _Now walk away before one of them kills you, believe me, they're both volatile. _

Ryan did, but not before ordering the two agents to stay with my boys at all time. _Thank you Ryan. He left the lounge and headed straight for trauma one, for me, for my body_. He flashed his badge at security and they moved aside, he walked in and stopped. Luka was still in there, just staring at the ground.

"Dr. Kovac?" he asked. It's embroidered on the man's lab coat, and it's on his ID badge and _you have to ask?_

"Agent," he spoke a sort of greeting, he had been the second to arrive at the closet, he had pulled me out.

"I was told there was some evidence?"

"Her body is the evidence, look at her," as Luka spoke, I could plainly hear the anger in his voice.

Ryan didn't know what to do then, that much was written on his face. "Help me move her."

Luka looked back at him, a look I've never seen before, it looked as if he might cry. "I don't want Sean to see her in the morgue,"

"They told... The autopsy... Blondie and the gi... the red head told me she had been moved before she could be examined." _Susan and Kerry I wanted to shout at Ryan. He knew Susan, why he called her _Blondie_ was beyond me._

"What exactly are you looking for?" I watched as Luka grabbed my chart, didn't look at it, just held it in his hands, his signature was the one on the chart, signing the time of my death.

"Anything that could help us find the killer."

"Her clothes are over there, we found them in the supply closet, she was, she didn't have them on."

"Thank you. But she still needs to be autopsied."

"She was stabbed to death, she bled out, **fourteen** in all," _Thanks Luka, I remember each time that knife pierced through my skin. The one to my chest was the last one, not the most painful, I couldn't feel pain anymore by the time my body took that final blow._

"A rape exam. She needs to..."

Luka shook his head, "Abby…It's obvious just from our initial exam, I think.." That part was the worst, when he forced himself onto me. Poor Luka, couldn't even utter a full sentence.

"Any defensive wounds?"

"Yeah, she tried to fight him off," she tried. _Yeah no shit_! Look at my arms Ryan, _aren't you trained in this kind of thing!_

"We'll still need to do the rape exam, in case there's any DNA."

"I know."

"Do you have any idea who might have?"

"No, everyone here loved her."

"She was a very likeable person," Ryan smiled, he always treated me like a little sister.

"She was."

"How are the boys?"

"Alive. Scared, sad."

Luka shook his head, "When I found her in that closet, when Susan called me over." No, Luka, she didn't call you over, she _screamed and you ran over_! "I knew she was gone. I knew.. I knew we had lost Abby," a pause. "But we had to try. I picked her up, there was blood everywhere."

"Please tell me the area hasn't been cleaned."

"No. We knew Sean would want an investigation, I still can't believe she's gone. I just talked to her three hours ago" _ooh I got chills._

"I don't know if anyone around here quite does," _just let them move on._

"Is this going to become a large bureau matter?"

"Probably."

"Have you talked to Sean?" he asked as Sam walked in.

"Not recently."

"Ryan," I watched as Sam got his attention, "the press is here, they want to speak with you,"

"Tell them I'll be out there momentarily. Don't they want a few words from the ER Chief or someone from the board or something?"

"They know that the Director of the Chicago FBI office wife was brutally murdered at the hospital she worked at, I don't think they care who they talk to," _well Sam, thanks for putting it so gently_.

"Send out someone medical first. I'm busy. I'll only be a minute." Sam nodded and left the room. Ryan's phone rang, again, Sean was two minutes out, he wanted Ryan to meet him outside in the ambulance bay.

"Dr. Kovac, I'll have to speak with you more later," he said and headed to the ambulance bay. It would take a minute to get there, not the two he had been allotted, but he could use a moment of fresh air. I watched as he desperately tried to maintain his professionalism, I was more then just a coworkers wife to him, we were good friends, I trusted him to protect my husband in the field. As soon as he got outside, he was immediately surrounded by media.

He ignored the questions, the flashbulbs, just waited for my husband's car to pull up. And they did, the motorcade arrived, he was in the black sedan, the one with out any sirens or lights, the one in the middle, the one surrounded by police. I saw my husband get out of the car, he looked to be in shock, _dear God, Susan _please_ take care of him_.

Neither said anything. They shook hands. How male. Couldn't they at least hug?

"Where are my boys?" he finally managed, good for him, think of our children first.

"Lounge. Susan's with them. Susan and someone else."

"Were they hurt, injured, anything?" he asked, I could see it, he was scared, his job had cost his sons their mother and cost him his wife.

"They're safe."

"Where is she?" _of course, he's acting all tough_, Susan will break him down, or my boys, especially Toby. Toby had been our sickest at birth. Hardly weighing three pounds, but he fought and fought, survived with no medical problems. I was lucky. Toby is also our athlete_, huge hockey fan, just like his daddy_. I dread the day he starts to play competitively, right now its just lessons and the occasional game. But half the kids can't even skate so it's not like I have to worry about him getting slammed into a wall or anything. Yet.

"Susan or Abby?" Who the hell do you think Ryan? Have I mentioned men are bricks lately?

"Where the fuck is my wife?" _shit,_ I've never seen Sean lose his temper, not like that I'm sure he did it with his men, or with criminals, but not with his partner. Never with me. He was always very protective of me. He nearly had Ryan by the neck. I got a closer look at him. Pale, sweating, his shirt was untucked, his tie loosened, not wearing a suit jacket. His gun was easily visible. I always told him I didn't want the boys to see it, they knew gun rules, they knew daddy's job made him carry a gun. But they also knew they were never supposed to touch it, never play with it. I was an ER doctor, I have seen far to many gun accidents involving children, and I vowed to protect my boys as much as I could.

"She's in the trauma room."

"Have you seen her?" they were walking towards the ER entrance, FBI escorting them.

"Briefly."

"Cause of death?" I wanted to _kill _him right then, it was so impersonal, it was just a case to him right then, his way of dealing.

"Stabbing. Blood loss I think."

"Do they boys know?" they were inside the ER, at the admit desk, Sean seeming to debate where to go. To see me or our boys.

"Yes."

His hand went to his hair, a nervous habit of his, "God," it was starting to hit him. Go be with them Sean, calm down and be with the boys. _They need Daddy._

"They're in the lounge?" _oh thank God, he was doing what I would want._

"Yes."

Sean nodded and walked to the lounge, he didn't have to flash his badge to gain entrance, they knew who he was. "Susan," he said calmly and walked over to her. She immediately passed him a sleeping triplet.

"I'm so sorry Sean," she whispered though her tears.

"Who told them?"

"Ryan, Kerry and I were talking out in the hall, Jack had slipped out and was listening, we didn't know he was there,"

"How could you be so careless?"

"I.." oh no, Sean don't blame her please.

"That is _not_ how they should have found out that their mother died."

"We didn't know Sean, we thought he was asleep!"

"Why wasn't someone keeping an eye on them?"

"We had two agents stationed in the nursery sir," Ryan stepped in, thank God, Susan was losing it.

"Why didn't one of you notice then?"

"We're sorry," Susan began, and was about to continue, when Jacob stirred in his daddy's arms.

"Daddy?" _Thank you son, I think you just saved Auntie Susan a shit toad of trouble.  
_

"Hi Jacob," he forced a smile down at my son. And I looked at him, he was pale and shaky, please someone remember he is a diabetic.

"How you doing?" and you bother to ask that when you're looking straight at him. Sean, your ignorance of your son's condition will never cease to amaze me.

"Mommy's gone," someone please check his blood sugar. Susan come on, your a freaking doctor!

"Isn't Jacob diabetic?" She asks, more to jog their memories on that important footnote. Thank you Kerry, for remembering those trivial little facts that allowed you to pass your boards and become a doctor. _Susan, you're their _godmother_, you should remember this instead of Weaver guessing._

"Yeah, um where does Abby keep his meter?" Sean asked looking around, as if it was going to pop out at him. Its in his backpack guys! Along with his insulin, syringes, glucose, everything!

"Her locker. Or maybe upstairs in the daycare center. I don't know which. Or what her locker combination is. There's an accucheck in exam two."

Okay guys, _quit fighting and someone fix my son_! He's hypoglycemic again; just get him so damn sugar, he loves Skittles! Check his backpack!

"Don't bother with the meter Susan, he's hypoglycemic. Get him some fruit or something," thank you Kerry, you get the point, but his mommy just died, let him have a treat!

"I don't want fruit! Mommy knows how to fix it!" _Oh God, did he not remember?_

"Fruit will fix it Jacob, how about a banana?" Damn it Susan, he's been getting constipated lately, do not give him a banana. Apple maybe. _Or figs_, but not a banana.

"I want an apple with peanut butter!" he said still lying in his daddy's arms.

Anything with peanut butter's as bad as the banana Susan. _Think. Please. Pretend it's Cosmo. _

"Okay Sweetie, let's see if we can find an apple with peanut butter." Sean placed Jacob on the ground, who immediately grabbed Susan's hand and they walked out the door. My husband was left with two sleeping children and Kerry Weaver.

"Were you there, when they found Abby?" he asked softly.

"No. Susan and Dr. Kovac found and treated her," _yeah, Kerry already did her dead coworker duty. Well, at least this wasn't that Valentines Day._

"Was there anything to treat? Did she even stand a chance?" Quit treating me like a fucking case Sean! For crying out loud I am... Was _your wife_!

"No," _thank you for your painful bluntness. Just what he needs right now. How about reminding him that this isn't a case? Come on, you've done the grieving spouse thing._

"Hi Daddy!" Jack's voice came from the couch, his eyes barely open.

"Hi Jack," oh come on, is that all you're capable of? At least give the kid a hug!

"Daddy," he sat up, "are you going to find the bad guy?" _nice one buddy_, get him where it hurts, make him feel human.

"Of course kid. It's my job."

"I mean mommy's bad guy," I saw Sean squeeze his eyes shut.

"I know. I'm going to catch Mommy's bad guy. I have to."

"Did he hurt her?" Damn it. Why was Jack so smart?

"Yes." ah Sean, he's five! He doesn't need to know the details!

"I don't want mommy to be hurt!" suddenly he jumped up and ran out the lounge heading towards trauma one, heading towards my body. How he knew I was in there, I still don't know. I wanted to kill Ryan right about then. Somebody, ahem, forgot to pull the sheet back over my face. He screamed. Very loudly.

Sam, thank you for being right there, she ran inside, a little to late, saw him just as he recognized me. See, the one good thing about most of my female coworkers is that they have kids. And so, maternal instincts. She pulled him into a hug so that his face was buried in her shoulder, he couldn't see me. At the funeral home is one thing, once I've been cleaned up a bit. After a trauma, splattered with blood, that's another. A picture he didn't need. I know he saw the tube sticking out of my mouth, the blood everywhere, I don't think he saw any of the stab wounds, but I'm not sure.

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	4. Teddy Bears

Insert prefab disclaimer here.

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"Jack!" Sean ran into the room, Susan following, but stopped when they saw Sam cradling him, he was still screaming. He covered my face before he even took a look. You know, _I really hoped that my kids wouldn't turn out as screwed up and traumatized as my brother and I did_, but apparently, that's _not_ going to happen.

"Jack," he reached over and pried my son from Sam's arms, his eyes squeezed shut.

"Mommy!" he kept screaming. _Mommy's here. Mommy's here baby. Hush, hush, it's gonna be fine if Auntie Susan and Daddy stop running around like chickens with their heads cut off, yes it is_. And they are. _Because there has _got_ to be a reason why I got along with Susan and married your father_. It's gonna be okay. You're going to go to school, be a normal kid, _not see my dead body every time you blink Sweetie_. Oh God, I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. _Hush. Hush_.

"Jack," Sean was trying to talk to him, was desperately trying, "Jack, its okay, its okay. I'm here!" and then I caught it, a single tear fell down my husband's cheek.

"Not here. Always go away. Go work. Mommy. Mommy."

Kerry_, thank you_, walked in Bob in her hands, and handed it to Sean. "Jack, look I've got Bob and he needs a hug, he misses mommy to," _ooh good one Sean_! He squeezed the bear and started screaming Mommy again. Somehow, I have the feeling that Alex, Henry, and Cosmo are in for the longest hugs of their respective lives, _and_ that's counting post abduction and post custody battle _'oh God, I thought I'd never see you again'_ hugs.

"Susan..." my husband looked at my best friend, with the look of help me please, plastered on his face. Jack was still screaming and Sean was starting to break down.

"Jack, hey buddy, shush, sweetie. Mommy wouldn't want you to be sad, would she?" _Oh God, do not guilt him into silence Susan_. Don't do it. _There is no faster way to screw a kid up, or an adult for that matter, than to prey on guilt_. Especially guilt they shouldn't be feeling.

"Did Mommy not love me anymore?" he looked at Susan.

"Of course Mommy loved you," see _this_ is where you make a great excuse for why I'm not there, or try to explain. _You're not going to leave it at that, are you?_

"Then why did she leave? She was supposed to go to school with me and Toby and Jacob! Jacob was scared, she promised that she would talk to our teacher, and that we would have chocolate chip pancakes in the morning," how Susan managed to understand that is beyond me.

"She didn't want to leave. She didn't mean to. You can still have chocolate chip pancakes in the morning," _Sean, you can't boil water, can't fry an egg, do you really think you can manage chocolate chip pancakes from scratch?_ I'm no great cook, but compared to you, I'm freaking Julia Child! They won't eat the powdered stuff either. _You HAVE to make them from scratch_, and with the dark chocolate chips. _Oh baby, mommy's here. Mommy's watching you. Mommy loves you so much. Oh God._

"Daddy promise you'll find the bad guy," he continued to sob, it seemed as nothing could console him.

"I'll do everything I can. Whatever it takes," _damn it, just say yes_. He'll be too tired to remember that you promised in the morning, and he won't go to sleep if you don't.

"What if you get hurt like Mommy? What if he hurts you to?"

"I'll be careful."

Jack nodded, not really understanding, but at the same time still to exhausted to fight off sleep anymore. Sam! Of course, she was my solution for Jacob, after all her son was diabetic! I seriously doubt Sean would remember insulin dosing in the morning, then again if it was my husband that was murdered I doubt it would be at the top of my list either. _Sam, please, watch out for him_. I know you've got enough on your plate, but just... _Please_. You know I'd do the same for Alex if anything happened to him. Jacob needs someone to help him. To keep an eye on him.

Jack had finally calmed down and was close to sleep on his daddy's shoulder as he sucked on his thumb, when a knock came at the door. An agent walked in, holding my lab coat in his gloved hands, they had found it. The bastard had taken it with him, I guess as a souvenir when he killed me, he must have dropped it.

"Bag it. Send it to be analyzed. Check the entire area where you found it." My husband ordered calmly.

"That's mommy's coat," my son spoke softly seeing the familiar white coat. It was turned, he didn't see my blood all over the back of it.

"It is. She got it when she became a doctor."

"Can I see it?" I watched as everyone exchanged glances.

"You can't touch it sport, I'm sorry," please don't try to explain trace evidence. Go find my old coat from when I was an intern. They won't notice it's too short

"Mommy won't care, she let me wear it sometimes,"

"It's not like normal anymore. It might be able to help us catch Mommy's bad guy."

"Can we ever have it back?"

"Maybe," just give them the old one. Or anyone's old one. They can't tell.

He looked back towards the gurney, my face was covered now, "Mommy isn't coming home again, is she daddy?"

"No son. She went to sleep for ever. She died."

"So who is going to take care of us now?" nice! Sean was great, he was just never home, he actually left a career in medicine to become an FBI agent.

"I am," how the hell do you plan to do that? _Your son's hypoglycemic and you don't even remember he's diabetic until my coworker, who I never actually told, asks, you can't cook, can't do bed time stories right, can't simplify anything to their level and won't do monkey tricks._ Contrary to what my mother would have you believe, childhood trauma does not improve one's chances of getting into medical school.

"Will you take us to school tomorrow?" Jack, he still just didn't understand, he was still excited about school, about his new Spiderman backpack.

"Do you still want to go to school tomorrow? You don't have to go to kindergarten yet if you don't want," DAMN IT!!!! _They have to go to school_, it's something wonderfully normal to be doing that will distract them, and they need to be socialized, and they cannot get the idea that school is optional. That's what you're doing, telling them they don't have to go to school if they don't want to. _Which will follow them through their lives if you screw this up._

"I dunno, what if the bad guy comes after me or Jacob or Toby?"

"You boys are going to be safe, because you have agents watching you. They'll keep you safe until we catch the bad guy."

"Is that what you promised mommy to?"

"No, because we didn't know there was a bad guy before."

"Do you think mommy knew she was about to be hurt?" Jack asked as he twisted his fingers in Sean's tie.

"No."

"I'm glad then, I don't want her to be scared,"

"Mommy was very brave."

"Do you think she cried?"

"I don't think so. Mommy didn't cry much."

"Even when she was hurt?" My son had seen the blood, he knew I had been hurt.

"I don't know, but she probably didn't cry."

That's right, damn straight I didn't cry, I _fought_ him! "Agent Jennings," another agent popped his head inside the door, "we found the security tapes."

"Okay. I'll look them over later." he was actually swaying side to side, my son in his arms, thumb still in Jack's mouth.

"But sir..." I was proud of Sean, he was choosing to comfort his son, instead of doing his job, way to go!

"I will look over them later," he repeated, more firmly. Thank you Hun, and yes, I know you hated being called that, not tough enough for you, but too bad "Ryan," Sean turned his attention to his partner, "will you get the car ready, my boys and I are going home."

"Sure thing," Ryan headed off. Thank you. Get them home. Get them to sleep. School starts at eight thirty in the morning, and it's four now. I disapprove of caffeine for kids, but in this case..

"Susan, could you." he handed a now sleeping Jack over to her, "I um, I haven't seen Abby."

"Just wait until the viewing, until she's been cleaned up a bit."

"She's my wife, it's not like I haven't seen a dead body before," that one hurt, worse then anything he had said.

"Not now," she put her foot down. Thank you Susan. That's right Sean, I'm your wife, not a dead body. Well, the dead body of your wife, but don't disassociate just yet.

"Why not? What the hell aren't you telling me?" he obviously didn't know the extent of my injuries.

"She's a mess Sean. Just wait until she's been cleaned up a bit."

"Susan, I haven't said goodbye, please just.." _oh was that emotion I saw?_

"At least wait until they've washed the blood off her face."

"Is.did he..did she feel anything Susan? Was it instant?" he was cracking under pressure.

"No, it wasn't. We won't know for certain until the autopsy, but it looks like she bled to death."

I saw him blink back tears, "Abby.." he whispered, but Susan heard him.

"Do yourself a favor, don't pull back the sheet. You can hold her hand, but don't look at her yet."

He nodded and took my hand, IV still attached. They left him alone in the room with me. Probably smart. He needs to grieve, to cry, and he won't do that with anyone watching.

"Abby.." yes that's my name, "I'm so sorry, I'm going to kill the son of a bitch!" No you're not. You're going to conduct an investigation, arrest him, and testify at his trial. You're not going to break the law. You can't. The boys need their Daddy. If you're in jail, then they don't.._. No. You will not kill him_

"Sir," another agent, damn how many did he have working under him? "Your car is ready,"

"Okay." he squeezed my hand. "I promise you Abby, he will be caught. I will take care of our boys, Jacob will be fine, they will go to school tomorrow, I'll learn how to cook."

_I love you too. And about that cooking thing, lessons. You are beyond hopeless, a cookbook will do you no good. You need formal lessons._

He stood up and left, he would see my body tomorrow in the morgue. He walked into the lounge, three agents following him. The boys had their jackets on, all of them still asleep, Ryan, Kerry and Susan each holding one in their arms.

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	5. Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Reviews are greatly appreciated

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I've never seen so many FBI agents in one place… Well, at least not on duty. The place was crawling with them. Usually if there was a football game, Sean would invite at least half of his men to our house. I would wind up with about 30 men, 3 boys, and of course our two great Danes, were boys. Susan would usually have to come and rescue me on game days, so we could go shopping or do something girly. I could recognize almost all of the agents in the ER, you can tell they seemed shocked by my death, even though you couldn't see it on their faces, maybe because I'm dead, that's why I know.

He took Jacob and headed toward the car without a word, yeah, Susan and Ryan are just telepathic, they're just going to know to follow you, sure. When he noticed they weren't following, he finally vocalized a desire for them to do so.

As soon as they stepped outside, pictures began being snapped, reporters were trying to interview. They ignored the media, of course, and tried to shield my sons' faces from the cameras. They were quickly placed inside the waiting black sedan, my boys had always wanted to ride in daddy's FBI car, now I guess they get that chance. Susan kissed each one of my boys on the head and shut the door, before facing Sean.

"She'll be sorely missed around here." _Wow_ Susan, your best friend just died, and that's all you can come up with? _Thanks pal!_

Sean, _say something_! "Susan, tomorrow, I don't know where their classroom is, and I know... I know Abby would want them to go to school," my boys and Cosmo went to the same school, a private school, highly regarded.

"I'll go. I'll be at your place around seven to make sure they get ready, okay?"

He nodded, "Thank you Susan, for everything," she just smiled and gave him a quick hug and headed back into the hospital to get back to work. Like she's going to be able to do_ that_.

I watched as the police escort guided my boys home. The boys were all fast asleep, Sean was lost to his thoughts now. I watched as his hand went to his wedding ring, how he just stared at it.

News reporters were already at my house, the sedan had trouble pulling up because of all the reporters. Damn them. Just _leave my family alone_.

They managed to get past the crowds and in the front door. And then they drew all the drapes and locked all the windows. Get my boys to bed damn it, _before it's light out_.

Ryan carried Toby, while Sean carried Jacob and Jack upstairs to their room, but as they changed my boys into their pajamas, Toby woke up, "Daddy, I'm scared,"

"It's fine Toby, everything's going to be fine."

"I wanna stay with you," Oh come on Sean, _quit the tough man routine_! Toby gets scared a lot; he'll end up crawling into bed with you. They usually sleep in our bed when you're off on a case, Sean. Three boys, two huge dogs, and me, I promise you can manage.

"Okay. Just this once."

"Me too," I heard Jacob whisper as he raised his arms, indicating he wanted Sean to pick him up.

He conceded to that plea as well. Thank you. Good husband. I see I got you trained before... Yeah. Good. Now, just pick up the last of the three because you know he won't sleep well alone.

"Ryan, could you grab Jack, I think they'll sleep in our room tonight," the younger man nodded and grabbed my son again, toting him down the hall into our bedroom.

Tonight is going to be interesting. Make sure they sleep well, and don't get them up until Susan arrives. Remember, if Jacob wakes up, all he needs is a couple of marshmallows, the ridiculous colored ones. Someone sing the kids a fucking lullaby, they don't normally need it, but it's been a trying day. 'Simple Gifts' will work, or any old hymn... Old rock music, anything.

I watched as the three were tucked into our bed, and then Ryan and Sean left, leave the door open Sean, they don't like the dark. They walked downstairs, my house was currently surrounded by FBI agents, it was like the fucking pentagon, nobody would get in. _Thank God._

Sean walked into our living room and collapsed down into the couch, his head went into his hands, as Ryan went and sat next to him, not knowing what to do.

"We let her down." No, Sean, don't ever think like that, you will never let me down.

"You can't think like that," Ryan responded almost instantly.

"What am I supposed to think then?"

"I don't know man. I'm so sorry, she was like a sister to me,"

"We have to get the son of a bitch."

"We will, we will." that's it Ryan, convince him I'm not just a case.

"Why didn't they just go for me?"

"You loved Abby, whoever it was knew that,"

"So they want me twisting. And it's not like I don't have enemies."

"They didn't come after you because you were to well protected, you had a gun, you're trained to defend yourself. Abby wasn't," ooh Ryan, not sure if that was the best choice of words.

"Yeah, I left her defenseless. Should've at least gotten her a CCW permit. Or should've chosen a different line of work."

"She fought Sean, we know that. And I seriously doubt Abby would carry a gun, you know how she was."

"She might've if I had just... She would've survived. If she had been armed."

"A doctor carrying a gun at a County ER?"

"It's not unheard of."

"We don't know, she probably didn't know what happened," Ryan, why are you lying?

"She fought back, you said so yourself. She knew."

"Maybe, it was probably quick though," _wrong again Ryan_.

"Bleeding out isn't quick. At least not always."

"She was probably unconscious for most of it," _ugh Ryan, just give up now_.

"No head injury. She was aware. I did medical school. Don't lie to me."

I watched as Sean stood up, and started pacing, a sign that he was very, very angry. And then he turned, grabbed one of the boys toy cars that was sitting on the coffee table and threw it across the room. It connected with a large clock near the door, sending it crashing to the floor, shattering on impact. "GOD DAMN IT!" Sean screamed and brought his hands up to his head as he continued pacing.

Our two dogs, Spot and Oreo _(I know, creative huh? That's what I get for letting my children name my dogs_) jumped up from their beds at the sound and bolted upstairs to my room, to the boys. Sean had surprised me with the two dogs, wait, _giants,_ about a year ago. He said he wanted me to have them for protection, those two, even though they each weighed close to two hundred pounds, were chickens and nothing else. They were still scared of the damn vacuum cleaner.

And then the wailing came. "Daddy. Mommy. Scary." God. They were calling for me as well.

Toby, Jack and Jacob came flying down the stairs, the dogs following yet careful not to run my boys over.

"Sorry boys," instant perk up.

"Daddy, why are there lots of people outside and why is Ryan still here?" Toby asked.

"To protect you three and catch mommy's bad guy." He said it without pausing, like it was a normal occurrence.

"I don't want to go to sleep," Jack spoke. Oh for crying out loud Sean, turn on some cartoons for them. They love _Finding Nemo_, it will put them to sleep in an instant.

"You have to sport, so you'll have energy for school tomorrow." Toby looked up at him, and I knew Sean was about to lose it, he couldn't hold it back anymore. One tear fell down his cheek.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Toby walked over to him and Sean lifted him up into his arms.

"I miss your mommy." Well, at least he was honest with the boys.

"She's at the hospital, with Aunt Susan and Sammy and Uncle Luka" Jacob answered as he sat down on the couch.., He's right, sort of. My body is at the hospital, and right now that's all my boys understand.

"In a way, yes, but Mommy isn't coming home."

"Well we can go see her at the hospital," Toby suggested I didn't miss the sympathetic glance Ryan shot at my husband.

"Do you remember the book Mommy read you boys a few months ago, 'The Little Mermaid'?"

"Yeah," they answered in unison, still looking at their daddy.

"Do you remember how it ended? Not the movie, but the book."

"I 'member the movie," Jack finally answered.

"Do any of you remember the book though?" It was the only story he knew they had heard where someone died. Someone other than the villain, though Disney was partial to sparing even those.

"No, she read it to us a long time ago," it was past five thirty now, good luck getting them up in the morning Sean.

"Do you remember when Mommy told you what an angel is?" They all three nodded at that, they knew exactly what that was. "Did she tell you where angels come from?"

"Mommy said that sometimes when she can't help people at the hospital that they become angels," Toby spoke softly, possibly getting what my husband was trying to tell him.

"There's two types of angels. There are the ones that are people who do good things, and who help the people around them, and care for them very much, people who help other people. Auntie Susan and Sammy and Uncle Luka and the other doctors and nurses are that kind of angel. Mommy used to be that kind of angel. The other kind of angel watches over the people they love, and protect them, but nobody can see them or hear them. Mommy's that kind of angel now. She still loves you very much, and she's very proud of you, and she'll always watch over you, and be with you, but you can't see her or hear her or touch her. Do you understand?"

"Its not fair Daddy," Jack spoke after a moment of processing what Sean had just explained to them. I watched as Ryan's cell phone rang and he answered it, with the occasional yes and no thrown in.

"No, it's not, but sometimes things aren't fair. And when they're not, we have to try to make the best of how they are."

"Why did the stranger hurt mommy?" Jacob said, as Ryan began walking over.

"Because sometimes people do bad things."

"Did mommy do anything bad?" Ryan was beside Sean now, obviously that phone call had been important.

"No. Mommy didn't do anything bad, but the man who hurt her did."

"Why?" my husband was starting to get impatient, he couldn't deal with answering these type of questions anymore, not four hours after he found out his wife had been murdered. _Turn on the damn movie Sean!_

"I'll explain it to you when you're older."

"Hey guys," Ryan stepped in, "how about we turn on a movie, I need to talk to your daddy,"

"Okay," they chorused and were quickly enchanted by flashing lights and cutesy songs.

Ryan and Sean stepped outside, onto our balcony, it was perfectly clear night outside and I watched as Sean looked up at the stars. "What is it Ryan? Make it quick. I should be with my sons now."

"The security tapes, we have the guy, we know who it is."

"Who?"

"Miguel Sanchez," I watched as my husband instantly recognized the name. "He, he looked right at the security cameras, he knew they were there."

"He wanted to be caught?"

"I think he was daring us Sean, he smiled at it, then walked up to Abby," Ryan paused trying to recall the words one of the agents had said to him.

"So what? Is it some sort of trap or..."

"For Abby it was, she literally walked right into his arms."

"No, I mean for us. Is he trying to get our attention, distract us from something else? He wouldn't be daring us like this just for kicks."

"No, remember when we arrested him? He got out on a technicality, we shot his brother in a shot out, left him paralyzed, he vowed revenge then, just like they all do."

"But that doesn't explain why he acted so damn cocky. For a sleaze like him, revenge is hiring a hit man."

"I don't man, I don't know." he decided not to mention the fact that once Sanchez was done, how he walked out of the closet and held the bloody knife in full view of the camera. "We'll have to ask him once we apprehended him"

"But will he answer straight out? Last time we tried to bust him, he was cryptic the entire time."

"I'm pretty sure he will be handled differently this time," 'handled differently in the FBI lingo meant there was a decent chance that once Sanchez was caught, he might not make it very far.

"Different handling may not be the answer"

"Hey, you do what you have to. I'm not going to stop you." oh Ryan, come on, don't let him do this.

Sean didn't answer, just stared up at the sky, and as he looked down, he noticed at least five of his men in our backyard. "Abby was innocent, she didn't deserve this,"

"None of the victims ever do."

"Abby wasn't just a victim Ryan, do not refer to her as the victim," my husband warned.

"No human being deserves to be through that then."

"What do I do now?" that's it Sean, you're human, please let someone else handle my case.

"Get her justice."

"I know." he paused. "Do you think.. do you think Abby knew?"

"Knew what?"

Sean shrugged his shoulders, "you said she walked right into his arms, what else did that camera pick up?"

"Not much."

A knock came at the sliding glass door, another agent poked his head out. "I'm sorry, but sir, Susan Lewis is here,"

"Seven already?"

"Yes sir, do you want me to let her in?"

"Of course."

The agent nodded and went back inside the house, but Sean and Ryan stayed outside. It was cloudy now, it looked as if it were going to rain, how depressing, yet how fitting.

"Sean. The boys are already up. Watching a movie. Please tell me they got some sleep."

"Hi Susan," he said softly, but didn't answer her question. It didn't look like she had received any sleep either.

"You holding up okay?"

He looked at Ryan, who got what he was saying and left, leaving my husband and best friend outside. "No,"

"Anything I can do?"

He scoffed, "bring my wife back," his head went back into his hands.

"Other than that."

He shook his head, "you found her?" his voice cracked, Susan caught it and walked over to him.

"Yeah."

"Was she? I mean.. did she even stand a chance?"

"No. Anyone else and... If she had been a patient brought in by paramedics, we wouldn't have tried. We just didn't want to give up."

"Did she suffer Susan?" he looked up at her then, and my best friend started to cry and brought Sean into her arms. I could see Susan nod, but he couldn't. He really didn't need to. He knew. "How long was she gone.. before anyone noticed?"

"We don't know."

"You didn't know she was missing?"

"We don't keep a close eye on anyone unless they're a problem. People are all over the hospital, checking on patients in radiology, getting paged everywhere, getting a moment of sleep or a cup of coffee"

"I told Jack that she didn't cry, if I was being stabbed, or..." he stopped he didn't want to say the word. "I probably would have screamed at least the first time,"

"Hospitals are loud. Patients are always screaming, someone may have heard her and thought nothing of it. Or she may have been in shock."

"I would have thought someone would have recognized Abby's scream, or voice. Or a person walking out of a hospital covered in blood." He stood up then and looked one more time back down at the agents, before walking back in to our house. "Where the fuck does Abby keep his insulin?"

"Try the medicine cabinet," she shouted after him, then spent a moment longer looking at the stars.

Sean, you know its in the refrigerator, just take a deep breath and relax. I watched as he did so, and got Jacob's supplies together. He knew how to take care of Jacob, he was a doctor himself, although he wasn't in practice. He just, I think he was afraid that he would hurt Jacob if he gave him a shot, or checked his blood sugar. Finally starting to pull together. I wish he could hear me.

"Susan, what. Is McDonalds open for breakfast?"

"There's still a bit of time. I'm making chocolate chip pancakes for the boys. If that's okay with you."

"You don't mind? I mean, should I even send them to school today?"

"I'm here to help. I think they should go. I think it's what Abby would want."

"Abby would want what's best, Jacob come here please," he called to my son as he got the meter ready to check his blood sugar. He scampered over, knowing what was coming.

"Hi Aunt Susan," he said sleepily as he held out his finger to Sean. I could tell he was exhausted, good luck making it through school today guys. Sean pricked his finger with the lancet and tested the drop of blood. 67. Sean immediately went to the pantry and handed my son a juice box, who drank it and went back to the TV, where his brothers and Cosmo were waiting. Jacob and Jack were wrapped up in one blanket, Cosmo was sitting on the couch dressed in his school uniform, khaki pants and blue polo, they were all watching Spongebob. I hate that yellow box, but if its going to keep my boys mind off of the current situation, way to go SpongeBob, more power to you.

"Susan…" Sean started once he was sure the boys were fully engrossed in the cartoon. "I can't do this. Abby she always, God," he put his head down against the door to our pantry. I could tell he wanted to yell, scream, beat the shit out of something, but couldn't and wouldn't with our boys in the room. He would never show any sign of aggression in front of them. "I... damn it!"

"Daddy said a bad word. Soap?" Now was not the time, but small children generally don't understand that concept.

Susan smiled "No. Why don't you three run upstairs and brush your teeth, and get dressed,"

He nodded to her as thanks. She started rummaging through the kitchen, "Any idea where the frying pan would be?"

"Underneath the stove. Susan, you don't have to do this, we can stop for McDonalds, they would love it."

"They were promised chocolate chip pancakes. From experience, I can say the breaking of that kind of promise to a kid their age is a very traumatic thing. It breeds massive amounts of resentment, and if allowed to wallow in it, the parent-child relationship will be destroyed."

"I don't really think they are that concerned with chocolate chip pancakes now Susan, they want their mother, not a breakfast food,"

"Yeah, that's true, but they were promised pancakes and Abby would have killed you if she knew they had Micky D's for breakfast."

"I wish she could have the chance,"

"Everyone does."

"I… do you think the principal will take to kindly to having three armed agents at his school?"

"I think he's going to have to deal with it."

"I know Abby wanted to them in different classes, but now, now I'm not sure. I think they need each other."

"I think the different classes would be a good thing. They aren't identical, but they look a lot alike. They'd get constantly mixed up, even by the teacher, especially by the teacher actually, they need to form their own identities. They've got three breaks though, recess, lunch, and afternoon snack, plus the classes do a lot of activities together. Don't worry, the boys will see more than enough of each other."

Sean nodded, "All the kids, their mothers are going to be bringing them to class. My boys, their mother, Abby, was murdered not even twelve hours ago"

"I don't know what to say to that. I can go with you if you'd like, but I'm not Abby."

"Do you mind, I know you have to get to work, and I have to get up to the hospital," Susan, come on, you can tell the man is on the verge of a break down, please do something.

"I have a twelve to twelve, it's no problem for work. You need a break. Maybe take a day off? I can take care of the boys after school."

"I don't need a break, I have to find him and put his ass away! For what he did to Abby, God Susan, she didn't do anything wrong,"

"Half the Chicago FBI is on the case. I think they can manage without you for a while."

"Its my wife! I think I need to at least try and find her killer, don't you Susan?" Sean wanted to scream but knew to hold his tongue, instead he got Jacob's insulin from the refrigerator and looked around for a syringe.

"I think she would want you to let them handle it."

"Boys! Come on!" Sean shouted upstairs wondering what was taking so long. "I don't know what to think anymore Susan. Abby hasn't been gone half a day and I'm already losing it."

"It gets harder before it gets easier."

"What was the last thing she said to you Susan?" _Wow, Sean_, that question came out of nowhere.

"We were going to have a girls' night out on Thursday after work. Something about what movie we were going to see," oh come on, couldn't you lie and say something poetic? Wait, no, you were lying. The last thing I said to you was something about a foley catheter and... Okay, thank you for lying and preventing that rather tasteless joke from going down into the history books as being my last words.

"How long after did you…"

"A few hours."

"Thank you Susan, for trying..." his voice was low then, he was still in shock. She smiled sympathetically, and then, for lack of anything better to say or do, she went back to rummaging for cookware and ingredients.

Five minutes later, my boys emerged, and went into the kitchen, but I noticed Jack holding something in his hand, his fingers were bloody as he held onto the picture. It was of me and Sean weeks before. We had taken a vacation, all of us had gone on a Disney Cruise, one more break before school started. Susan and her family had come along as well. We did that a lot, vacationed together. We never knew that that would be our last one. Susan had actually taken the picture. Sean and I had been enjoying a rare moment to ourselves, the boys were in the kids area being entertained by Goofy or whoever the hell it was at the time. We were having diner, when Sean suddenly pulled me into his arms and kissed me on the top of the head. Yeah, okay, not very romantic, I realize, but still it meant a lot to me. The photograph was of right before he did it, we were smiling at one another. It was the perfect picture, it could have been a cheesy advertisement for the cruise line, might have been if I had not been... well. It had been framed, not anymore.

Susan was the first to notice, of course, "Jack, what happened?" the pancakes were, for now, forgotten.

"Nothing," he said quietly and put his hands behind his back, but still held onto that picture.

"Let me see."

"I don't want to,"

"Its okay Jack, I don't think she'll get mad," Toby whispered to his brother.

"I won't," Susan promised, "cross my heart," apparently she knew how much that phrase meant to kids that age.

Jack slowly pulled his hands in front, showing her the bloody mess, thankfully he wouldn't need stitches, but the picture stayed in his grasp.

"Did you drop it?"

"It was an accident! I promise," he cried to her, and then suddenly threw himself into her arms.

"It's okay, it's okay. I know it wasn't on purpose. I know. It's okay," she held him and hushed, knowing most of his upset was not actually about the photograph.

"I want my mommy back," he spoke to her through his tears.

"I know. I know."

"Is Jack hurt daddy?" Jacob asked as Sean lifted him onto the counter so he could give him his morning shot.

"I don't think so. Just a little boo boo."

"Mommy always gives my morning shot in my tummy," he said seeing Sean draw up the insulin.

"Daddy's going to have to give it to you from now on."

"Okay, but give it here," he pointed to a spot on his stomach. I always let him choose where he would get his shot. While I handled most if not all of his diabetes care, I had to let Jacob feel like he had some control over his disease.

"Okay."

Sean was good at shot giving, even though he didn't believe it himself. Jacob didn't flinch and soon it was done. "Thank you daddy," he said to Sean and reached his arms out to give him a hug.

"Dotaimashita."

Jacob shot him a confused look, "bless you," I laughed at that, Jacob the comedian. I don't know if he meant to be funny, but he sure came across like that.

"You're welcome son, it's Japanese, not a sneeze." Come on Sean, lighten up.

"Oh okay, I'm hungry daddy."

He looked at Susan, just in case the plan had changed, "We're having pancakes in a minute or two," she reassured.

"Then school?" Toby asked as he shuffled over.

"Yeah, then school. All your things ready? You've got backpacks, notebooks, pencils, books?"

All three nodded and went to sit down at the table as Susan served them their pancakes. "Um, Mom," Cosmo walked over, "how are we supposed to get passed all those people out there," he pointed outside. The crowed and defiantly grown in size since last night.

"Either with great difficulty or great finesse, you pick," she joked, "see, there's this wonderful thing called an attached garage that we're going to make use of."

"Are the reporters still out there Susan?" Sean asked, anything to keep his mind off of me, off what he was going to have to do that day.

"Yeah."

"Is it all over the news? I haven't turned on the television, I don't want the boys to see it."

"I've been avoiding local news. Only thing I've watched is the BBC, there was a brief mention there, but if they even touched it, it's got to be everywhere."

"Wonderful. I'm sure Abby would love all the attention."

"Oh yeah, she'd be positively thrilled," the sarcasm was thick enough to be tangible.

"Are they at the hospital to?"

"We had to call the cops, security couldn't keep them out of the ambulance bay."

"Sean," Ryan had stepped in, "do you want to take your car or ours?" ours meant the FBI car, the head honcho car as I always called it. Go with the FBI car Sean, you are safer in it.

"Yours I guess. If we can get to it."

"We can, but we should probably leave soon."

"Right."

"Would you like an escort sir?" _yes_. Sean, it would get the boys to school faster and keep the media away.

"No, that's the last thing they need. Right now, they just need to be normal."

"Yes sir. The agents are already at the school, it's been searched,"

"Done eating boys?"

"Jacob didn't eat daddy!" Toby screamed at him, as he stood up and grabbed his Power Rangers backpack.

"Jake, you okay?"

"I'm not hungry," oh come on Jake, you have to eat.

"Why not?"

"My tummy hurts,"

"You sick?"

"No," he stood up and grabbed his backpack, Rocket Power themed. Come on Susan, Sean! He HAS to eat, he's diabetic, I don't care what you feed him as long as it has at least thirty carbs in it.

"You have to eat something before school."

"I'm not hungry daddy!"

"You have to eat though."

"No," ha_, Sean, welcome to my life…wait... well_ you know what I mean. He is stubborn, good luck feeding him, just bring food in the car. He usually will start to eat once the subject is dropped, it's a matter of control.

"Yes."

"You cant make me!"

"You have to eat or you'll need a different kind of shot."

"I don't care about shots," I tried to warn you Sean, the kid is fearless!

"You'll have to go to the hospital. You'll miss school."

Toby, you are mom's gift, he walked over to Jacob and handed him a candy bar that he had had stashed upstairs in his room. "Here Jacob, you can have my candy okay?" He just hugged his brother and scarfed the Skittles. Not nutritious, but effective.

"Okay guys, come on time to go," Susan said as she herded the boys down the hallway into our garage.

"He eat?" apparently, she'd missed the display.

"Do Skittles count?" I don't care what he eats right now Sean, as long as it keeps his blood sugar at a decent level. Protein would have been good, but hell whatever works.

"As long as it doesn't become a habit."

"Its not exactly at the top of my to do list Susan," I watched as the garage door opened and the car was waiting right outside. Immediately my family was surrounded by FBI as they guided them to the waiting car, trying to avoid the media. When they finally made it into the vehicle and onto the road, everything was eerily quiet. The boys were supposed to be arguing over music. Toby was supposed to want The Wiggles, while Jake begged for Tom Paxton.


	6. Lunch Pails and Fairy Tails

Sorry the updates are slow in coming. Mostly, technology is to blame.

Thank you very much for sticking with our story. Enjoy, and remember reviews are greatly appreciated,

* * *

They arrived at the school at 8:15, and as the doors opened, more pictures were being taken.

"Auntie Susan, when will they stop following us?" Toby asked nervously as he looked at all the media gathered at the entrance of the school. _FBI was at the entrance, guarding it from the press. Thank God._

"I'm not sure Toby," she answered as they were escorted into the safety of the school.

"Susan, do you think I need to talk to the principal? I mean I knew Abby…" he stopped and the sound of my name. "Abby was going to talk to Jacob's teacher." The school was packed, kids running all over the place, parents chatting, FBI everywhere…wait that was not supposed to be normal. I noticed that as soon as people recognized my husband how they would all become silent and as soon as they were certain that my family was out of ear shot how they would begin gossiping about me, about my murder.

"Probably should. Something like this... It could get complicated."

He smiled at her, "Abby was so excited, she couldn't wait for their first day of school."

"I know. She kept talking about it at work."

"Maybe mommy is going to surprise us after school, maybe she's just pretending!" Toby suggested, hoping that there was a chance.

"Mommy is an angel Toby," Susan reminded him gently. _Oh how I wish I was just faking it._

"I know, but just maybe!" they walked into the office and a sudden hush fell over everyone inside. I wanted to storm in there and glue the gaping mouths shut, but I couldn't. They just kept walking, brave adventurers facing the unknown.

"May I speak with Principal Griffin please?" my husband asked softly to the security. They nodded. The principal materialized. A surprisingly young man, for that line of work at least, he couldn't be over thirty.

I immediately recognized the expression on his face, well a couple of them. First shock, then dread. Damn it, he's a principal, shouldn't he be equipped to deal with this sort of thing? Obviously he wasn't. Because I was the currently the biggest news story right then, and he was about to speak with my husband, head of the Chicago FBI.

"Mr. Jennings, I wasn't expecting. I mean..." he took a step towards my husband but two agents suddenly stepped in front of Sean.

"Its okay," my husband told the men, and they stepped aside.

"I wasn't sure if your sons would be in attendance today, or this year. Given that kindergarten isn't state mandated-"

"Abby would want them here; I'm guessing you've heard?" Sean, please, control your temper.

"Yes. Everyone has."

"Please... my boys don't need to be treated any differently, not now."

"Most of their peers are too young to follow the news, but the simple absence of a parent will be isolating. Some deal with that better than others, generally if the individual speaks freely without being morbid on the topic, other students are more comfortable."

"I'm not talking about their peers," he said and looked at every person, every staff member in that room who was staring.

"They won't receive special treatment unless their behavior warrants it."

"I need to have agents stationed here, at least until we catch Abby's…"

"I understand that. As long as their guns are not in plain view, there shouldn't be a problem. Parents, however, will have to be informed that armed agents are on the campus for the time being."

"That's fine. They are not to be released to anyone except myself, or Susan Lewis," he gestured to my best friend who was currently watching my boys play with some toys that were in the office.

"I see. That shouldn't be a problem; we have a form you'll have to fill out if that's the case. It's not uncommon. Several students have peculiar custody issues, so we've got policy on the matter."

"Thank you. Could you please direct me in the direction of their classrooms? Abby knew who their teachers were but I never got the chance to ask her about it."

"Rooms three, seven and eight, Ms. Brick, Mrs. Vernon and Mr. Sicirik."

"And the nurse? Jacob is diabetic I need to arrange for his care," _Oh Sean quit acting like you have no emotions._

"At the end of the first floor corridor."

Sean nodded and stuck out his hand, "Thank you for your time," The principal shook my husband's hand and turned back to his office.

"I think we should take them to class first and then go talk to the nurse, is that alright Susan?" ugh my husband was clueless.

"No, Sean, we should probably see the nurse first. Get everything set up."

"Okay, come on boys," they followed him, Ryan in the front, my family and Susan in the middle, then three agents bringing up the rear as they walked towards the nurses office.

"Do you know which boy goes to which class? I mean, I'm sure the teachers have lists..."

Just then, Toby cut her off, "Mommy wrote our name and room number on the inside of the strap of the backpack."

"Thank you Abby," Sean spoke out loud, '_your welcome hon!' See, you just have to become organized and you and the boys will be just fine._

"Why are you thanking Mommy? Toby was the one who-" Susan put a finger to Jack's lips.

The parade walked into the nurse's office, alarming her at how many people suddenly entered. With my group, there was another six parents in the tiny office. All the conversation stopped and everyone's eyes went to my husband, then the boys, and then the agents. I noticed a newspaper lying in one of the chairs and so did Jack. A picture of County's ambulance bay with cops surrounding it was the front page.

"Aunty, why?"

"Why what Jack?"

The room was so deathly quite that everyone heard my son speak, "Why is mommy on the paper? It says her name, Abby Lockhart."

"It says 'Abigail' but good catch. Not supposed to be reading quite yet. It says her name because of what happened to her."

"But why is it on the paper? She wasn't everyone's mommy."

"Sometimes when things happen, they're put in the paper.

"But... now everyone is going to know what happened to mommy, I don't think she would like that very much,"

"Neither do I, but that's what newspapers do."

"Hello, I'm Abby Ross," the nurse walked up and introduced herself. Oh that's bad I thought to myself. I forgot that the nurse's name was also Abby. Shit.

"Abby?" Toby looked confused. Jack looked like he might cry, and Jacob looked mad.

"You stole Mommy's name."

"No, honey she didn't. It's her name to," Susan tried, maybe _school wasn't such a good idea right then_.

"But how can two people have the same name if one person didn't steal it?" Ah the logic of children. God Susan, _I'm sorry. This is going to be... tricky._

"Maybe your mommy said it was okay to share, I think your mommy would have done something like that, don't you?"

"Maybe."

Ryan's phone rang, breaking the silence, thankfully. "Agent James," he answered and I didn't miss the concerned glances the other parents shot each other. They didn't want armed men at their school. Sean shot him a glance, begging to know what it was. Ryan shook his head, meaning he was not going to say it in front of the boys. They had discovered something in that closet, Sean would surely kill the bastard for what he was about to find out about. Thank you Ryan, for not mentioning it in a school nurses office, and in front of my boys. They did not need to find out about this, now or ever. Susan was talking with the nurse, everything to do with the insulin.

I watched as Ryan shook his head, he spoke angrily into the phone, Sean noticed as well. Finally Ryan hung up, and instantly they were whispering. Figures

"Sir," Ryan stepped forward to Sean, "we need to get to County as soon as possible," oh hell no, Sean, you take care of our sons first, make sure they get to class.

"Susan," he said, almost pleadingly.

"Okay. Come on boys, lets get to class," she ushered them out and then again, the parade down the hall. They were all deposited, after a few dozen hugs. The first time they'd be apart for more than three hours, save hospital stays.

As Susan and Sean walked to the awaiting car, I couldn't help but realize that while Sean and the boys had yet to accept my death, neither had I. I hadn't processed it yet, but I think when I saw the agents guarding entrances to the school it really started sinking in for all of us.

"You should rest. Take yourself off the case Sean. Your wife died."

"You don't think I've realized that Susan,"

"Your sons need you. The FBI can manage."

"They are at school, Abby is dead, we know who killed her, I have to find the son of a bitch." the car was making its way to County.

"He has to be found, but you don't have to be the one."

"I want to be there when they slap the cuffs on the man that brutally murdered my wife Susan,"

"And your sons want you to be there to tuck them in at night."

"I owe her more; she died because of me, because of my job"

"You owe her a lot, but not because of her death, because of her life. And she would want you to repay that debt by being a father, not a cop."

"Abby is dead Susan, I have to raise three boys by myself now. I also have to explain to them why they are constantly being surrounded my FBI agents, why the media is always around us, oh and lets not forget, I have to plan a funeral."

"So do that, focus on that. Not on your job."

"You know, Ryan said that the security tapes picked up the guy, he actually smiled up at the camera before walking up to Abby."

"I know."

"What else do you know? I know people are hiding shit from me, and I will find it out. So how about you just tell me now, before I give my men a good ass chewing."

"Calm down damn it."

"I.. GOD DAMN IT!" he threw a toy car that one of the boys hard brought with them down onto the ground.

"That's not exactly calm"

"I've been calm now, I haven't had time to process that Abby is dead!" I watched as the escort pulled up in front of the ambulance bay.

"So go process."

"And the way I process is by finding the fucker and locking his ass in jail," the car door opened and he stepped out.

"No, that's keeping yourself busy so you don't have to process it. I've seen people try it before, and it doesn't go well. Grieve."

"I cant, not until he is caught,"

"You have to."

"I have to avenge my wife's death," they walked into the ER, and I for the first time, saw the faces of most of my coworkers.

"No, you have to maintain your wife's legacy," they were in shock, most of them.

"Where is the closet, Susan?" he didn't stop, just kept going, I could almost hear him thinking, "just a case"

"You're not going there yet."

Sean stopped dead in his tracks, "excuse me?"

"For now, how about you see her, down in the morgue. The exams and tests are done, the evidence has been gathered, and we've stitched her up as much as we could."

"So you'd rather me see her dead body, then the place she was murdered? How is that beneficial?"

"For the case, it isn't particularly, but the supply closet has already been combed for evidence. I was more concerned with your psychological well being."

"I'm fine," Damn Sean, you sound just like me.

"Maybe you are. Maybe you shouldn't be."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he grabbed a passing agent, "I was told you found something,"

"You need to do the whole mourning thing. If you don't it'll fester. Or you'll fall apart. You can't afford to let either happen."

"I will mourn once I catch him,"

"You may not have the luxury then."

"I cant do this right now Susan,"

"You have to."

"No," he shook his head and looked back at the agent, "What was found today?"

The agent took a deep breath before continuing, "an audio tape sir,"

"Contents being?"

"Sir...I..." the agent didn't want to be the one to explain this, why did he have to be the one Sean found.

"What was on the tape?"

"He recorded everything," That's, right now I remember, he told me something about how Sean would hear my last words, would hear as I took my last breath. I didn't get what he was trying to tell me at that point, but then again, I didn't really care, I was to busy trying to defend my life.

"Give it to me."

"Sean." Susan warned. Come on Susan, don't let him do this, don't let him listen to it.

"Not now Susan."

"I don't have the tape sir,"

"Where is it?"

"Its being analyzed, they found it in the closet."

"Where is it being analyzed?"

"Agent McArthur has it in an upstairs office,"

"I see."

"Sean. Please, don't put yourself through this," Susan begged, keep trying Susan.

"Susan, Dr. Lewis, please, leave, tend to your staff, they look shell-shocked."

"As do you Agent Jennings,"

"That's irrelevant."

"Yeah? How so?"

"Just do as I say."

"I'm not one of your men Sean, you cant order me around. She was on my staff, she was one of my doctors, Abby was my best friend."

"And I'm sorry for your loss, but I have a case to work," I cant believe he said that, I actually felt my heart break as my husband walked away, leaving Susan stunned. I could see her contemplations. I could tell how tempted she was to do something ridiculously stupid. Or scream at him. A part of me wanted that. If I had been there, I would have screamed at him.

"Susan?" Luka's hand appeared on her shoulder, "what was that about? I thought for sure he wouldn't be here today,"

"So did I."

"Where is he going?"

"Apparently they found a tape."

"I know about the security tapes,"

"An audio tape. Of the attack."

"The bastard recorded it?" Yes he did Luka, all of it.

"Apparently."

"Oh God. And he's going to listen to it?"

"He has a case to work."

"Abby is not his case, she's his wife!" Sam stepped in, and I didn't miss the present tense. I'm still his wife, not was. "I can't believe he's acting like this. Abby...she was…I mean not even..." Sam was tough, I knew that. But obviously my death had rattled her, it looked like she was about to cry.

"We know. He's just... Having some issues."

"Susan, has he seen her yet?" Luka asked.

"No."

"He needs to say goodbye to her, I don't think he's even accepted that she's gone yet,"

"He has to. Not facing this sort of thing... It can destroy him."

"And the boys."

"I think they're handling things a little bit better."

Ryan walked in and stopped at the admit desk, seeing Susan. "Where is Sean?"

"Either the closet or the morgue."

"I'm guessing the morgue probably, he hasn't seen Abby."

"He didn't seem all that interested in doing so."

"He doesn't want to see what happened to her, He knows, he just doesn't want to see."

"I don't think it's sunk in."

"He's treating Abby's death like its just one of his cases Ryan!" Thank you Susan!

"It's his way of coping."

"Is this even legal? Can he investigate his wife's death?"

"Yes."

"We can't let him do this, get someone else on it. I don't care what you have to do, but please, for the boys, for Abby."

"I can't. He's head of the Chicago FBI, it's his call."

"Then call the director of the FBI, I'm sure he's heard of this!"

"He's got bigger issues to deal with."

"He appointed Sean! He knows Abby, I think a phone call wouldn't be such a bad idea!"

"It would be seen as insubordination."

"Jack broke a frame this morning, trying to get to Abby's picture. Sean needs to be with his boys, not investigating this." That picture currently is being stared at in his classroom, when Jack is supposed to be running around at recess.

"I know that, you know that, but that doesn't mean he understands that."

"Then what do we do?"

"I don't know," _great advice there Ryan_, way to help out.

Susan took a deep breath, "I'm going down to the morgue, page me if I'm needed,"

"Sure," _Susan, save him from this. Get him admitted to psych if that's what it takes._

She found him down in the basement but not yet in the morgue, he was just leaning against the wall, playing with his wedding ring, he seemed as if he was day dreaming, "Sean?"

"What," _ooh, nice monotone._

"Come on, lets go see Abby," she grabbed his arm and gently but firmly pulled him away from the wall.

"Not now. I have to..."

"You have to say goodbye to your wife."

"I have to find her killer."

"You will," she guided him into the morgue, he froze immediately. I was covered in a sheet; he knew it was me without seeing my face.

"Its just Abby," Susan spoke softly as she grabbed the sheet. I knew Sean was fighting the urge to be sick, but he wouldn't allow himself to be. He was a hardened tough FBI agent, an agent who never grimaced at the site of a dead body, now matter how bad it looked. But I was not just a dead body, I was his wife, Abby, the mother of his boys, and Sean knew it. That's why he wouldn't look at me, that's why he fought to stay away from the morgue. He would show that he was not as tough as everyone thought he was, he would show that even he could become physically ill at the site of a badly mutilated body. I knew Sean,. Better then he knew himself. He was scared. That was it. Scared and in denial. "Sean?" Susan had pulled back the sheet, revealing my pale face, but Sean averted his gaze. "Look at her, Agent Jennings. Take a look at the victim," she said bitterly. "You said it's a case, deal with it Sean! It's just a dead body after all!" ooh Susan, you are good!

"She was my wife damn it!"

"A moment ago you told me she was a case,"

"I lied."

Susan nodded, he finally admitted it. "Sean, just look at her,"

"I can't. Not like this."

"Why not?"

"I don't... I ca... Don't want to remember her like this."

"You won't" she had pulled the sheet back over my face, "you'll remember her as your wife, as the mother of your children,"

"Every time I see a corpse, that's how I remember the vic. Not as whoever I find out they were, but as that body."

"But you didn't know them, not like you knew Abby,"

"I knew some of them. A couple of our officers, a year or two ago... I knew them, their families, their life stories, but I still remember them as stiffs."

"You wanted to see her last night,"

"To collect evidence. You say that's been done."

"That's all you wanted to see Abby for Sean, to collect evidence? This is the last time you'll be able to hold her hand, or tell her what you want,"

"It doesn't matter. She won't feel my touch or hear my voice."

"She might not be able to feel you, but I'm sure she can hear you. You told your boys about angels, what are you going to tell them when they ask if Abby can hear them?"

"It's different. They're children. I told them what she believed, not what I do."

"You don't believe that she's watching over you then?" your getting somewhere Susan, keep going!

"I don't know. She was the one with faith. I was agnostic at best."

Susan smiled, "you know what she would be saying to me right about now?"

"No, I don't."

"She'd say something along the lines of how she wish she could hit you over the head with the damn gun you carried around with you. How you were so stubborn, but then I'd have to remind her that she was even worse, even more stubborn then you."

"I can only imagine how pig headed the boys will grow up to be."

"As long as they have their daddy, I think they'll turn out alright,"

"Yeah, too stubborn to do otherwise. Hah."

"What was the last conversation you had with her Sean, I already told you mine,"

"We were settling an argument the boys had been having over what the best color was. Toby said it was yellow, Jack thought it was blue. She made them compromise on green."

"But what were your last words to her?" _ohh Susan! I see where you are going with this!_

"I think something about that I was amazed she had ended it after only three days, and then that I had to leave for work."

"And you left? Just like that?"

"I was late."

"She told me, how you rushed out of the house that day and she had a feeling that something was going to happen, but not to her, to you. She was worried Sean." _Guilt trip Susan._

"And I did nothing to reassure her. Yes, I know. I failed her, you don't need to remind me of the fact."

"I didn't say you failed her, and you know it. I had never seen Abby happier then when she was with you Sean."

"And I did nothing to protect her. She died because of what I do."

"And what exactly were you going to do to protect her?"

"Anything."

"Come on, this is Abby we are talking about right? You know she would never accept help, she never did."

"She would sometimes."

"When was the last time you told her you loved her Sean. And really think about it alright?" ha, yeah right Susan, good luck with this.

"The day before..."

"Did she hear you, or was it as she rushed out the door?"

"It was as I dropped her off for work "

"What did she say back, or did she hear you?"

"I don't remember."

"Yes you do, you don't have to act tough in front of me Sean, I lost my best friend, you can drop the FBI act, none of your men are in here right now."

"I don't remember. That's what bothers me right now."

"Why?"

"Because I should."

"Come here," she gestured for him to come stand next to the gurney, next to me.

"No."

"Its your wife, get your ass over here," I saw tears in Susan's eyes then.

"It's a dead body I'd rather not see. My wife isn't there anymore."

"I saw her Sean, I saw her when she was covered in blood, when all the injuries were still fresh, I was there as we shoved tubes inside of her as I realized my best friend was gone, I looked at her then."

"You're a stronger person than I am then. And you thought you could help her."

"I'm not stronger, its my job, I'm supposed to bring people back, but Abby…" she paused, "I knew...somehow I knew even before we found her that something was wrong."

"But it wasn't your job to protect her."

"But it was my job to help her, and technically it was my job to protect her in a way. I'm chief of the ER, she was a doctor on my staff"

"Not the same way."

"How many times, when you arrest someone, how often do they threaten your family?"

"If they know I have one, nearly every time."

"Most of them Sean, and nobody has acted until now, you have to give yourself a break."

"I should have known that sooner or later one of them would."

"Don't think Abby didn't know that either. She knew Sean, but at the same time she was so proud of you, of your job, you know she's not angry with you, and she doesn't blame you."

"That doesn't bring her back or catch her killer."

"No it doesn't, but I think she would be angry that you have ignored her, that you haven't said goodbye."

"What good would it do?"

"Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

"What are you afraid of Sean? I'll tell you her injuries if you'd like, I'll tell you where she was stabbed, what she looks like,"

"I don't want to see it. I don't want to know."

"Fourteen stab wounds," Susan began, risky move, but possibly beneficial "we think the one to her chest was the last one,"

"What was the first?"

"To her left thigh," yep that's right, fucker didn't care about the amount of pain he was putting me through.

"Before or after she was raped?"

"Before," Good Susan, you got him talking.

"How rough?"

"I'm sorry Sean?" Susan asked not quite getting the meaning.

"How rough was the rapist with her?"

"She was raped Sean, of course it was rough. What the hell do you think the term entails?"

"I've dealt with rapists Susan, some of them are much worse then others!"

"Fine, you really want to know? She wasn't just bleeding from the stab wounds."

"I know that Susan, sometimes they use other things besides themselves!"

"From the autopsy findings, he made her bleed using just what nature gave him. Yeah, he was rough on her."

"I need to go to that closet Susan, I need to see where my wife took her last breath," he spoke soft.

"After you see her face and hold her hand," I watched as he squeezed his eyes shut, "Sean, please," Susan begged.

"Fine."

"Thank you, come on," she gestured him over and slowly he appeared by her side. He drew a sharp breath, trying to calm himself. "Its just Abby," Susan reminded him, as her own voice broke.

"It's not the same."

"Of course its not, its okay Sean, you can touch her," and then he looked at my closed eyes. And he cried.

Thank you Susan, you have no idea what you have just done for him, for me and my boys. After about ten minutes, Susan finally spoke to him again.

"Are you going to talk to her?"

"What do I say?"

"I don't know, she's not your case Sean, she's your wife, think of it that way. What would you talk to Abby about?"

"This isn't a happy little chitchat Susan."

"Tell her you love her, that you'll take care of the boys.. but in your own words," she tried to smile at him.

I watched as he thought of what to say, he finally began whispering after a good five minutes. "It's me Hun. The boys love you, miss you. So do I. I don't know how we're going to get by without you. I mean, I'll find a way to make sure they grow up right, but it won't be the same without you. Nothing will be. I don't know how I'll sleep without you next to me. I don't know how I'm still breathing, but I'll find a way, I promise, to give the boys the kind of childhood you wanted for them. They'll be happy, they'll be smart, and they'll know what kind of a person their mommy was. I'll make sure they remember, because I know I'll never forget. I know I wasn't always there when I should've been, with work. And I know you sometimes worried that my job came before the boys, and I'm sorry you ever thought that, and that I ever gave you reason to do so. I promise, they'll be at the top of my list, always. I'll never miss a school play or a ball game, I'll make sure they keep their noses clean. There are so many stories I'll have to tell them, about you, about your life. They'll know how much you loved them. How much you still do. Damn it, it's cliché, but you'll be in my heart forever. I'll learn to cook, keep the house neat, I think maybe, after this case, I'll cut back on work. For the boys."

Thank you Susan, thank you, you made him tell me what I've been wanting to here, suddenly I feel so much better about everything. I watched as Sean grabbed my hand and looked down at it, wondering what had happened to my wedding ring. He had yet to find out that the bastard had taken it.

"Where's her ring?" he asked Susan quietly.

"Um, I didn't see it on her in the trauma room, I thought she had left it at home, but maybe I missed it, maybe its with the evidence."

"She never left it at home. It wasn't with the evidence."

Come on Susan! Think fast! "Maybe her locker?"

"No. When she couldn't wear it on her finger, she'd have it on a chain."

"I...I don't know Sean,"

"He took it?"

Susan tried to form the words, but she couldn't, she didn't know what to say, hell I didn't know what to say. Except yes. He cursed under his breath in a dozen languages, then looked at his own hands. On one hand, he wore his wedding ring, plain gold. On the other, on his pinkie, was a ridiculous thing he wore to piss his mother off. I watched him pull it off, with great difficulty as he'd been wearing it continuously since high school. He slipped it onto my ring finger. Wow, he had bad tan lines from that one.

"We'll find it Sean, I'll contact the janitors maybe they picked it up," Susan said hopefully.

"The bastard took it."

"We don't know that,"

"I do."

"When you find him, whenever that maybe, you will get that ring back."

"No, then it becomes evidence, gets tied up in the courts. It won't be back in time for the burial."

"Have you made arrangements yet?"

"Some. Still have to pick a casket."

"Would you like me to come along?" Good Susan, please make sure he doesn't pick out a horribly gaudy one!

"All right."

She smiled at him and patted his back, as an agent walked in. "Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I was told you wanted the tape," ah this must be McArthur. Idiot, get out!

"Not now."

"Yes sir," the agent spoke and walked out of the morgue. Good boy.

"Wait," Sean shouted to the agent, "I want an APB issued, Miguel Sanchez is to be in my hands by tonight, do you understand?" The agent nodded and scampered off. Not sure if that was the smartest move.

"Sean, by tonight? Honestly," Susan tried.

"They'll have him by midnight. No question."

"I hope they do I pray they do, but is that realistic?"

"Very."

Susan didn't believe it, she couldn't, she didn't want to get her hopes up. "We should probably try to get the funeral arrangements finished by tomorrow."

Sean shook his head, "I cant believe I'm arranging my wife's funeral. We're supposed to be celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary in two weeks."

"Things don't always go right. That's just the way life tends to go."

"I seem to remember saying that to the boys earlier,"

"It's true."

Sean smiled "We were supposed to go to Hawaii, she didn't know about it though. I was going to ask you tomorrow if you would give her the time off. It was supposed to be a surprise."

"Sweet idea."

"It was, I knew she would have loved it."

"She knew you loved her. What more can you ask for in the end?"

"For us to be able to go on that trip,"

"Yeah well, that isn't going to happen."

"I know, she was also excited about Jacob, we found a camp for him to go to. it's a diabetes camp, I fought her tooth and nail about it, but she begged me to go, its supposed to be a family thing. That morning, yesterday morning, I finally agreed,"

"You'd better still be going."

"I don't know now, it's a family weekend Susan, all the kids will be with their mothers,"

"Well, he'll be with his father. Besides, once he start's school, he'll probably end up feeling isolated. Let him not be the only kid he knows who's diabetic."

"Should I take the other two?" he was still staring at me, still holding my hand.

"Your call."

"Yeah, it is. I don't even think Jacob knows about it yet, I think it will depend on what happens with Abby's..." Murderer .you can say it Sean.

"He'll meet justice."

"He'll meet me first,"

"Don't do anything you'll regret."

"He raped and stabbed my wife to death, I will do whatever I feel necessary when I meet the bastard."

"Don't do anything Abby would regret. If you kill in her name, the blood's on her."

"No, everyone knows what happened to her, the entire fucking country Susan, it will send a message not to mess with my family."

"And if you wind up in jail?"

"As long as Abby's. As long as he has been taken care of, I don't care what happens to me, and the boys, yes Susan, I know think of the boys. But if something does happen to me, you get them, I know that's what Abby would have wanted,"

"Abby would want them to have a father!"

"She would also want them to have a stable environment I'm not sure if I can provide that now Susan! Abby did everything! "

"Maybe you can't now, but you will be able to eventually."

Sean nodded and looked at me one more time, squeezed my hand and then pulled the sheet up over my face. "You still want to see that closet?"

"Should I? I want to, but at the same time..."

"You don't' need to."

"But at the same time I feel I need to, that's the last place she spoke, took a breath, it's where Abby died"

"She was called in a trauma room. Not the closet."


	7. Meet the Press

**A/N Sorry about all the delays… school, broken computers, life... makes updating hard sometimes!! Thanks for sticking with us, and the story, please review, we always love to read them!

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Sean nodded and looked at me one more time, squeezed my hand and then pulled the sheet up over my face. "You still want to see that closet?"

"Should I? I want to, but at the same time.."

"You don't' need to."

"But at the same time I feel I need to, that's the last place she spoke, took a breath, it's where Abby died"

"She was called in a trauma room. Not the closet."

"You said she didn't have a chance when you pulled her out of that closet, did she ever breathe, did you ever get a heartbeat Susan?"

"We had one for a moment. A heart beat. We bagged her; she didn't pull a breath voluntarily though. She was in PEA for a while."

"So she died in the closet, she never took another breath without your help,"

"Fine."

Sean stopped for a moment and lowered his gaze, "tell me Susan, how everything happened,"

"I found her, and then Luka was there. We took her from the closet, into the trauma room, tried to bring her back."

"I know the basics, please; you know what I'm asking about,"

"No. I don't."

"How did..What where your thoughts? If you knew she was gone, why did you try? Who was in there, what was said?"

"We didn't talk about much, just the standard stuff. No humor though. We... We had to try because we knew her. It's that simple. We didn't want to let go."

"How long did… before you got the heartbeat?"

"About ten minutes."

"I'm sorry for all the questions Susan, I just need to know. How long did it last?"

"About three seconds, then half a minute of v-fib."

"Did you think…then that maybe she had a chance?"

"Then, for a moment, yes."

"Must have been nice, to at least believe that you, that Abby had some hope."

"It was short lived. Made it that much harder to loose her."

"What did you do then?" oh Sean, at least he's talking about me now.

"Then I kept trying, and when we figured her brain was fried, we called it."

"After how long, how long did you work on her?"

"At least an hour."

"Did anyone else, I mean did you even think about calling down another specialty? Or did you know?"

"We knew, but we called down cardiology and surgery anyhow."

"What did they say; did they know who she was?"

"Yes. They knew her. They didn't say anything outside of the medical aspects.""

"Did they even try, even think about what to do next, or just let you guys work until.."

"They didn't bother to book an OR. They knew. We knew. Just didn't want to admit."

"How can someone, hurt Abby? She probably thought he was just a patient, probably wanted to help him." Sean, you know me all to well.

"Years ago, there was another stabbing. A resident and a med student. Schizophrenic man they were just trying to help. The resident survived and wound up addicted to drugs because he felt so guilty that the med student died."

"So they were just trying to help, just like Abby. I know the entire thing is going to be on that tape Susan."

"But do you want to hear it?"

"I want to know how he got in into that closet, without any alarms going off in her head. Abby was smart, something should have clued her in, but obviously he said something that didn't make her suspect anything."

"Could've thought he was altered."

"But wouldn't she have asked for help, and why would she go with him into that closet."

"Sometimes it's hard to understand. I don't know."

"Do you think she suspected anything, when they walked into that closet?" No, Sean, I didn't, not until it was too late.

"I don't know."

"And that's why I have to see the security tape, and listen to the audio one."

"Are you sure you want to?"

"I wasn't there when she died Susan, you were. It's something, something for Abby."

"What's it going to do for her?"

"Help me catch her killer, maybe she said something, I don't know."

"Fine. Do what you think you have to."

"Don't be angry with me Susan, I have to know, I have to see the closet, I have to see the tapes."

"Like I said, nothing I can do to stop you."

Sean nodded, "Can you show me the closet now?"

"Three doors down from trauma one."

"That puts in almost directly in front of the admit desk Susan," he said softly, "Why didn't.." he was on the verge of crying again, Its okay Sean, you're allowed to cry.

"Down the other way, away from admit."

"Are you going to stay down here, or would you like me to walk you upstairs?"

"I don't care."

"Susan," he grabbed her and suddenly pulled her against him. Sean had been able to grieve for a while, Susan had not. "Thank you," okay Sean, be there for her now. She needs you Sean, you two need each other.

The press conference wasn't a surprise to anyone save maybe the press. I thought there might be someone from the board, but apparently they stuck her with it.

"Dr. Weaver, you ready?" Luka asked as they stood by the lounge. "It's Kerry, Luka. We've been working together how long now?" she was tense. Or maybe tense would be an understatement. The media was outside, anxiously awaiting the first actual news conference, confirmation, any real news that was to come of my death. Despite her reassurances that nothing private would be relayed to the reporters and cameramen, Sean was furious with her for giving any information away. That not holding the conference would be horrible public relations for the hospital was irrelevant to him, and he didn't believe her when she said it might help to draw some attention away from my family, if only for a few moments.

As they walked outside, Luka overheard the APB issued over one of the Chicago PDs radio. "You don't have to be here, you know," she said quietly to Luka, he wasn't camera shy, but he didn't like this sort of thing.

"I do, it's for Abby," She nodded and walked up to the podium. I watched as instantly a strange silence came over the crowd, all the focus was now on Kerry Weaver. I was interested in hearing what she had to say.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I wish I could welcome you to Cook County General Hospital under more pleasant circumstances. Without further delay, our chief of staff, Dr. Kerry Weaver will speak with you about the tragic events that occurred here yesterday." Luka's voice, which normally reassured people, seemed to be lacking in its confidence. Take a deep breath guys, I promise you'll get through this.

"Just under twenty four hours ago, one of our attending physicians in the emergency department here at County was found unconscious. She had been severely assaulted and stabbed. For over an hour, Dr. Luka Kovac, who spoke to you a moment ago, and Dr. Lewis, the chief of the emergency department worked to save her life. Unfortunately her injuries were too severe and she died. She was a wife and the mother of three young boys, and a fine doctor with a bright future. She will be missed by many and never forgotten." Aw Kerry, that was beautiful! Wait. Why was I smiling about this? She was talking about my death? I watched as the hands of many reporters shot into the air, wanting answers to many of their questions. She picked one of the reporters, for some reason, I think she was from the tribune. I could tell she really didn't want to be doing this, but the board had announced without her agreement I might add, that there would be a brief 'Q and A' session after the statement.

"What was the physician's name?" Ugh, what a stupid question, but then again I guess they had to ask, just to confirm.

"Dr. Abigail Lockhart."

"Is she the same Dr. Lockhart that was married to Sean Jennings?"

"Yes."

"Do we know who murdered her?" I saw Luka cringe at the word.

"It is my understanding that the FBI has a suspect."

"Has he been detained?"

"I am not the one to answer that. If the FBI feels it is in the best interest of the case, they will release whatever information they deem pertinent."

Reporters frantically scribbled down notes as more questions were fired at my coworkers. "What injuries did Dr. Lockhart sustain?" AKA cause of death.

"Specific medical details are not considered public information. I'm not at liberty to release them, out of respect for her privacy." Bang! Way to go Kerry!

"Is Agent Jennings currently investigating his wife's death, or has her case been turned over to another agent?"

"The FBI is handling the case in the manner they see fit."

The media held them there for close to forty five minutes, guys I am so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this. Kerry was surprisingly good at giving out absolutely no information and making it sound like something. And then Luka stepped in and gave her a reprieve. They were needed back in the ER. Allegedly. Code talk for 'it's slow, but sitting at admit doing charts beats this no contest.


	8. I Never Cry

Sorry this update took so long. Computer problems. Microsoft Works may be the greatest oxymoron of all times.

Reviews are loved.

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I saw Susan in the lounge, lying on the couch, she was acting as if she was trying to sleep, but it wouldn't happen, she kept tossing around until Kerry entered the room.

"Don't bother trying, no one can sleep on that couch. I used to push a couple of chairs together, not great, but not quite as lumpy."

"Hi Kerry," _Oh Susan, you just unwilling let Kerry know how bad you are doing, usually when you don't answer with a smart ass remark, we know something is up._

"Holding up okay?"

"I haven't had time to accept that she's really gone yet," Susan said as she stared up at the ceiling.

"No one has."

"You seem to be handling it okay, how come?"

"Practice makes perfect. No, that was a lie, doesn't get any easier, but sometimes one learns to separate work from everything else."

"Abby was not just work, was not just a patient Kerry, we had her back, even if it was just for a second we got her back, but then.."

That wasn't quite how she'd meant it, more that she'd learned how to maintain the façade of functionality while at work, if not the rest of the time, but it was easier to go with Susan's logic than to explain. "I know Susan, it's never easy. Believe me, I know. It's easier to bury things than to deal with them most of the time."

"You sound like Sean,"

"I'm not out to exact revenge. I do what needs to be done, that's it. If I don't, I what – have a breakdown at work? Not the best way to cultivate respect and an aura of authority."

"You know Kerry, at first I thought no, this couldn't happen, we're going to get her back, Abby will be just fine, Sean will catch the guy and we'll all live happily ever after, and I thought more of it when the monitor picked up on a heart beat."

"Hope's all there is sometimes. Better to have it and be disappointed than to loose it and give up."

"I knew she…" Susan sat up then "Abby was gone, and I cant help but think, what would have happened if we would have brought her back?"

"She'd been down so long... She wouldn't be Abby anymore."

"We don't know that for sure..."

"Yeah, we do. Hypoxic brain damage would've taken its toll. Do you really think her family would've wanted her to live as a vegetable? Do you think Abby would have wanted that?"

"I've seen miracles Kerry, we got a heartbeat. That was a miracle in itself."

"We've all seen miracles, but being so implausible is what makes it one. We can't expect them."

"She…she was so sick Kerry, I cant believe that I didn't get sick looking at her, how wrong is that? Nothing has ever made me feel like that," she tried to joke, but Kerry saw right though it.

"I... It's never easy watching someone you know, someone you care about, die."

"Luka called it, I couldn't even do it, he forced me to stop, I was ready to go again, but he grabbed my hands," Kerry just nodded; there wasn't much to say to that. "How did you find out Kerry, I thought we had kept it pretty quite, only in the ER,"

"Find out what?"

"That we had lost Abby,"

"I have to know what's going on here… Dr. Rasgotra told me. Thought I should know. Nasty rumor going around that I used to work down here."

"I haven't seen her today, she was there in the trauma room too."

"Today's her day off."

"Yeah and now I'm down a doctor," deep breath Susan, calm down, you can do this. She stood up and walked over to my locker, leaning against it.

"I can fill in until you can find a replacement, take shifts down here."

"Thanks Kerry," she closed her eyes, "he took her wedding ring,"

"A trophy. Not unheard of. Doesn't make it any less appalling though."

"I think when Sean discovered that, it really hit home, his face Kerry," Susan shook her head, vividly remembering Sean's face when he realized that my ring was gone. The ring that had meant so much to me.

"At least he's accepting it."

"He still wants to work the case, he wants to listen to the tape," _Yikes Susan, not sure if Kerry knows about that._

"Throwing himself into his work instead of letting himself grieve."

"His excuse is that he wants to see where his wife took her last breath. If I was in his position, I would never want to see that place."

"Sometimes it makes everything more real," she thought back to Sandy's death, watching in the OR, even after seeing blood in the ET tube, when she knew nothing could be done.

"What?" okay Susan, you're lack of sleep is starting to show. "What do you mean?"

"Never mind. It's... It's a hard thing to take in, to believe. When it hits you, it's a ton of bricks, he needs time. If he can get past the immediate hardships, I think he'll be okay. He'll manage."

"I need to look at her charts, I need to see who her last patient was," she wanted to walk away, but instead her legs gave way and she slid down the lockers onto the ground and immediately started to cry. Kerry sat down next to her, didn't say anything, just rubbed her back and let her cry.

"Its not fair, she was innocent, she didn't do anything Kerry," _how I understood what Susan was saying through her sobs was weird, but how Kerry understood it, well that was a miracle. I also saw Luka and Sam walk in._

"She just wanted to help people. Do her job, be a mother and a wife. I know."

"Can you imagine what it must have been like for her?" still sobbing, _it's okay Susan, I'm okay._

"No one can unless they've been through it as well."

"He blindfolded, bound and gagged her, in my ER. She didn't stand a chance," _hey now at least give me some credit, I tried, didn't succeed, obviously, but at least I tried to fight!_

"It wasn't your fault. You did all you could."

"No I didn't, a patient came up to me, about thirty minutes before I found her, he was asking where his doctor was, guess who that doctor was. I paged her, but ignored it when she didn't answer."

"People neglect pages all the time, she could've been having coffee, busy with another patient, could've left her pager somewhere."

"It was in the closet, next to her, covered in blood, still flashing" _yet another mystery_, he had stomped on my pager, how it was still flashing when they found me, I don't understand.

"My point is, you had no reason to think anything of it."

"I do though, remember a few years ago, the ambulance bay incident? That was the only other time Abby didn't answer her page." _The gang, and hell, I thought that was bad. Boy, was I wrong. Don't get me wrong, It was bad, horrible at the time, until I experienced 'him.' 'Him', my murderer. _

"And Ray used to ignore every third page, you had no way to know."

"Ray and Abby were not the same people." she looked like she was about to be sick, Luka noticed to, "if I would have found her earlier..." _okay, someone get a trash can over there!_

"It probably wouldn't have made any difference. Her wounds were so extensive, there's a good chance she wouldn't survive the surgery."

"At least she would have had the chance to get there_," Luka! I wanted to throw a brick at him, get Susan some water or a sedative, SOMETHING_! Kerry gave Luka an instructive glare when Susan wasn't looking. The kind of glare that screamed _'Are you going to pitch in or do I have to do everything around here?'_

"Susan," Luka gently approached her, "How about you lie down somewhere?" _Oh God, Luka, you suck at this_! Kerry glared at him again. Daggers this time. No, wait, not daggers, Scottish claymores and katanas. _Smart man with a tendency to be an idiot_. "You look like you're about to be sick, come on," he held out his hand, offering to help her stand, but Susan shook her head. "Please,"

"Luka, board's backed up," Sam said finally.

"And they are going to have to wait, Susan, now," he ordered.

"They have been. For hours," she continued. Good for you Sam, keep the place running, don't worry about me, worry about the patients.

"And are any of them critically ill? Or are they all wanting to just be in the middle of the biggest news story in the country right now?" he was worried about Susan, I could tell, _good._

"There's a three year old who broke a glass and imbedded a big ass chunk of it in his thigh, a ten year old has been vomiting continuously for two days, there's a little old lady with a rule out MI, there are patients that need to be treated." Luka nodded, he knew Sam was right, he gave Susan one more pleading look then stood up and left.

"The boys, they don't have their mother, Abby was going to take Jacob to a diabetes camp, Sean was going to surprise her with a trip to Hawaii. It was going to be for their seventh anniversary."

"But they'll have their father, only if you stay with them. Don't you think Abby would want you _not to_ throw yourself into her case, but stay and take care of the boys?"

"I think the man who killed her needs to come to justice."

"And he will, don't you trust your men Sean? You know Ryan is out there right now..."

"I promised my sons I would catch the son of a bitch."

"And they won't know if you did it, or another agent, cop, or security guard. All they'll understand is that their mother's bad guy is in jail."

"Maybe now. But what about when they're older?"

"When they're older they will also be able to understand much more. They'll understand why you couldn't take the case, and I think they'll be grateful for that."

"I don't."

"You'll think they'll be more grateful growing up without their father there for them? I think I remember you promising Abby that you would go to their baseball games, Toby's hockey games, are you willing to break your promise even before you lay her to rest?"

"I'm not breaking any promises. To any of them."

"Okay, so what is going to happen if you don't catch him Sean?" yikes Susan, not sure if that was the best choice of words there.

"I will catch him."

"You don't know that, he could be halfway around the world by now, meanwhile your sons are just a few blocks away."

"Susan, just shut up."

"You know I'm right Sean,"

"I know I'm sick of your voice."

"Fine. The closet is right down the hall," she pointed towards the general direction and stormed in the lounge, tired of fighting with my husband. Sean however decided to head for the closet. I couldn't believe Sean. He was supposed to be a father and learn to cook. And instead, he's yelling at people, throwing tantrums. I saw him as he saw the yellow tape surrounding the closet, he was going back into FBI mode, I also saw Ryan looking inside the closet, yelling at another agent about something.

Ryan looked at him sympathetically, "You don't need to-"

"I do, for Abby." he paused, 'hold it together' he told himself.

"No, you don't. The thing is, you've been pulled off of the case."

_Woah! Ryan! That even took my breath away… Well,_ if I had one. It was apparent that Sean was just as shocked as I was.

"Go home, go talk to someone, whatever, just stay out of our way. And keep your nose clean."

"I don't believe you have the authority to take me off of this or any other case Agent James," Sean said through his teeth.

"I didn't."

"Then keep your mouth shut, I haven't heard it yet,"

"No. Go. Leave. You don't have the authorization to be here."

"Actually my position in the bureau gives me all the authorization I need, and I sure as hell don't need an agent telling me where I can and can not be,"

"You're not the top rung of the ladder. That's where this is coming from."

"Then he should have discussed it with me, move out of my way," I had met the director of the bureau once or twice, he was a nice man, but like my husband very involved in his work.

"Obstruction or tampering?"

"Neither, this is where Abby was last alive, my wife. I think I have a right to be here, so how about you are off the case then Agent James," okay Sean, that's enough, the man is doing his job.

"Any other grieving spouse and you'd have them removed from the area."

"That doesn't matter, what are you hiding from me? What has someone found that I'm not aware of yet? Was there more then one of them, or." he held out his hands gesturing for Ryan to elaborate.

"Leave before you are forcibly removed."

"Don't do this,"

"I don't have a choice."

"I want to know why I'm being removed, I have done nothing wrong, and don't give me the spouse crap."

"That spouse crap is exactly why."

"Then who is in charge of Abby's case?"

"They're sending someone in."

"From where?"

"I'm not sure."

"So let me get this straight. You are threatening to have me removed from my wife's ER, claiming you have an agent on the way, however you don't know who it is or where this agent is coming from? And add to this all I have yet to hear from the director, for all I know you and Susan are collaborating on this, wanting to me off the case."

"I'm not threatening anything. This is how it is."

"What are you hiding? Tell me and I'll leave, I'm not going until I found out either what was on that tape or why I'm suddenly being treated like just another family member,"

"Nothing's being withheld, and you are just another family member."

"Then what was Abby to you Ryan, just another murder victim?" ouch Sean.

"No, but that's not the point."

"Abby respected you, she liked you, she was the one who made you the boys godfather, and now..now she's nothing to you?"

"She's a friend to me, but that has nothing to do with you."

"Just a friend huh?"

"Sean, go."

"Have you listened to the tape?"

"Yes."

Sean shook his head, and quickly regained his professionalism "Was it...I mean...did she..."

"Go home Sean."

"Tell me first, and then..." he stopped. "Then I'll hand the case over,"

"I can't do that, you know it Jennings. Just go home."

"Why not?"

"Would you give that info to a grieving spouse?"

"Forget your moral, ethical crap; just tell me what the fuck was on that tape,"

"Not a chance in hell."

And that's what did it, I watched as my husband lunged at his partner, ready to grab him by the throat and force the info out of him, but thankfully Pratt was right there and attempted to hold Sean back. Ryan stalked away at that. _Betrayal. Lovely. Finally, Pratt released my very angry husband._

"I'm sorry man," Pratt apologized even though he knew he had to do what he did.

He didn't expect the fist that slammed into his eye, "Don't you ever restrain me again." _Damn it Sean! Self control. Heard of it?_ Pratt hit him right back, hitting Sean square in the nose, oh crap, come on guys! A minute later, there was a full blown brawl in the closet. Just what everyone needed.

"Pratt!" Luka was trying to pull him off of Sean, as security was trying to pull Sean off of Pratt. Neither was succeeding. Everyone froze when they felt something breeze past. And then heard the slam of metal on floor. I was surprised the tile didn't crack. Enter stage left, Kerry Weaver. In a way I felt like I was to blame for this, and I could imagine her calling my name, hauling me up to her office.

"This is a hospital, not the boxing ring. Anyone care to tell me what started this little sparring drill?"

"Your fucking doctor attacked me," **Okay Sean, come on now**, Pratt didn't attack you. Wait…why am I defending _Pratt?_

"Dr. Pratt?" _Oh, she was pissed_. Restraining her temper until the guilty party was identified, but very, _very _pissed.

"He attacked me! I was stopping him from facing a charge of assault on a federal agent!" She didn't say anything, just glanced at Pratt.

"Someone needs to look at your nose Agent Jennings," Pratt spoke harshly before stomping away.

Kerry mumbled something about putting Pratt on night shift, then faced Ryan, "He's right. It looks broken."

"I'm fine," _oh that's a familiar line, one I always used to say to them, and you, Sean._

"I doubt it."

"It's a broken nose at the most, nothing I can't handle. It's not like I was stabbed," he glared at Ryan as he spoke those words.

"That shirt wasn't red a minute ago. At least let someone stop the bleeding."

"Fine," but before he turned to leave he faced Ryan, "you get the hell off of my wife's case,"

"Not my call to make."

"Oh, grow up, both of you," Kerry mumbled and glared at both of them. Despite the circumstances, Sean was making an ass of himself. Sean followed Kerry into an exam room and sat down on the bed, his nose still spewing blood.

Susan had found an empty exam room, needing to separate herself from what was going on in the ER. She climbed onto the gurney and instantly fell asleep. I knew she was out cold, what I didn't know was what she was dreaming about, but I could guess. It wasn't hard, the way she was moving around told me that whatever her dream.. nightmare was about, it was not pleasant.

The board was relatively clear, Frank was minding his manners. A decent day all in all. Supply closet, had to get something... what was it she'd needed earlier? Windex. Right.

Ah where the hell was it? It wasn't where it should have been, oh well, she would just have to try the other closet down the hall.

Damn... what was the code for that door? 2134... No, that was the womens' locker. 1876 was the 2nd floor lounge. 5548 was the doctors' lounge. 2813, that was it. She had to push the door open harder, something was blocking it, she would have to get onto the janitor about being careful about spilling things, or leaving things that blocked the doorway. However when she finally managed to open the door, nothing would have prepared her for the sight she discovered.

Bloody corpse. Abby. Not corpse, person. Living. Has to be. Damn. CPR. Fuck. Two. "Get a gurney." Six, seven. Anyone, ten. Please. "Luka." Hang on. Fourteen, fifteen. Breathe, breathe. One, two. "Haleh, Chuny." Seven, eight, nine. "Hurry." Eleven twelve thirteen fourteen breathe...

"Susan, are you..." Luka had appeared almost immediately, "Oh God," he said as soon as he saw Abby on the floor, Susan breathing for her.

"Gurney?" three four five...

"Yeah," he said hesitantly. "Pratt!" he screamed, they were going to need as many doctors as possible.

"Take over compressions?"

Luka only nodded and gently pushed a relived Susan out of the way, as he began pushing down on Abby's chest, not bothering to check for a pulse. "Come on Abby!"

"Do you know how long she's been down?"

Susan shook her head, she was still trying to catch her breath. "Where... the hell are they?"

"Don't know."

Susan jumped up, Luka noticing how she was covered in blood, Abby's blood and ran out the door, ignoring the curious looks being shot her way.

"Chuny!" she shouted, seeing the nurse round a corner, her arms filled with supplies.

"Dr. Lewis?" Chuny said seeing the tears in Susan's eyes, had nobody heard her or Luka scream for help?

"Supply closet, mask, ambo-bag, gurney. Abby. Trauma two. Stat."

"Okay," miscommunication was never good anywhere, especially in the ER. Chuny had thought Susan wanted her to help Abby out in trauma two. She ran there as Susan ran back to Luka. A minute later, it occurred to Susan that Chuny had vanished. Shit.

"Anything?" she asked hopefully, knowing they had to move and move now. They could not wait any longer.

"No," Luka said sullenly.

"We have to move her Luka," she said as he pressed his lips to hers, blowing air into her lifeless body.

"Where are the nurses with the gurney?"

"I.." she looked down the hall again, desperate for someone. "PRATT!" she screamed and flagged him over, "Get a backboard, a gurney anything!"

"Do...Abby..." he sprinted off. _Thank you, God._

"Come on, come on," Luka concentrated, as he continued CPR, "no pulse," and then he would start again. He, like Susan, was now covered in Abby's blood.

"Fuck."

"Gurney... outside, everyone else is in the trauma room, waiting," Pratt said, taking a seat next to them, realizing that there was no way in hell they could get the backboard or gurney in the supply closet.

"Help me lift her?" Pratt nodded, but took off his lab coat and placed it over Abby's body before gently helping Luka get ready to lift her off the ground. He knew the gesture was meaningless, it would have to be removed the minute they got to the trauma room, but still, just in transit, she could have that measure of dignity.

"Hold on Abby," Susan pleaded as they somehow managed to stand and get Abby into their arms.

They were in the trauma room. Everyone gasped. Nothing they hadn't seen before. Stabbed and raped. Nothing they hadn't seen before. One of their own on a gurney. Greene got beaten, Weaver seized, Carter and Lucy were stabbed... It was an old drill, nothing they hadn't seen, but a harder one to deal with.

"We need an airway, someone..." Susan said as she tried to gather her thoughts, tried to act as a doctor.

"Straight blade or curved?"

"Just figure it out!" She shouted, there was about five doctors in there, one of them would know what to do.

"The laryngeoscope, do you want a straight blade or curved? What size ET tube?"

"Umm," Susan was losing it, Luka, and Pratt could see it, it was Pratt who stepped in.

"Straight blade, 8.o ET tube."

The supplies were almost instantly in his hands, Greg made a valiant attempt to intubate as the rest turned their attention to machines and monitors. Blood was everywhere, she'd lost so much. Too much. "I can't see a damn thing!" he said frustrated. The screaming monitors did not help the situation, she had not taken a breath in God knew how long.

"Fiberoptic scope?" Chuny offered, Pratt nodded.

"Someone call the blood bank."

"I've got at least six stab wounds," Sam said as she looked at the various marks that littered Abby's body.

"Looks like more from here," Haleh called.

"Pratt, get that tube in!" Luka ordered as he tried to count the stab wounds. Seven,.. eight,.. nine and that was just her front.

"Can't visualize anything for shit."

"Susan, we still have nothing," Chuny yelled.

"Looks like PEA, there's hope. We just have to keep trying."

"Move," Luka suddenly stepped in front of Pratt and grabbed the tool, "damn it Abby," he said, trying to get the tube down her throat.

"V-fib," Lidya screamed. There was a chance. Maybe.

"I'm in," Luka finally said, getting the tube down her throat had been no easy task, but somehow he managed.

Susan had pulled herself together long enough to pull the paddles off of their base. "Charging. One hundred. Clear."

"Nothing," Sam reported, even though she didn't need to say a word, the alarms from the machine told everyone Abby's condition.

"Two hundred. Clear."

"Come on Abby," it seemed as if everyone had said it as they watched another wave of electricity shot through her tiny body.

"Sinus. Someone stat page surgery, cardiology."

"That a girl Abby," Luka smiled down at her, and placed his hand on her forehead, He realized he had talked to her like a child, but right then he didn't care.

Lidya quickly warned, "Tachycardia..." the monitor screamed and she amended, "asystole."

"Shit!" Susan said, as Duebnko rushed in.

"High dose Epi." Chuny quickly administered the medication as more and more monitors began wailing.

"Nothing."

"More epi."

"How long has she been down?" Dubenko spoke for the first time, still not realizing who the patient was.

"Not sure. Found her in the closet."

"How long here then, and what the hell was a patient doing in the closet?"

"About ten minutes, and the patient was attacked there…"

"I'm not sure this patient is going to require surgery, I doubt she'll even require my consult," he turned to leave but Susan's voice stopped him.

"Try anyhow."

"She's gone Dr. Lewis," he said after a brief glance at the monitors and stripped off his gloves.

"I won't let her be dead. Not yet. Need her to stick around."

"Look at the monitors, I can see the blood pooling on the floor, she's losing it much faster then you can squeeze it in. If you need another doctor, find Lockhart, she seems to be good at grotesque traumas. This patient will not be needing an operating room, she'll need a morgue."

"Do the damn consult," Luka snapped at Dubenko, "it is Lockhart."

Dubenko stopped dead in his tracks, turned around and looked down at Abby, before running over after quickly recovering from his shock. "Surgical belly," he mumbled after prodding her abdomen. "Why haven't you cracked her?" he asked, looking to the numerous wounds across her chest.

"We... we..." Neela stuttered, they needed to crack her, he was absolutely right. But this was Abby, they were not supposed to do that to a coworker.

"Should I do it myself or call Weaver down to do it? I'm told she's the one who brought sternal saws down to the ER. No, that wasn't a good thing actually, I'll do it."

"Are you sure.. I mean?"

"Someone's got to do it. Prep the saw."

"Still no pulse," Sam said watching as Dubenko quickly checked over the supplies that were being thrown his direction.

"More epi, don't stop compressions."

Neela nodded and stepped in for Pratt who seemed exhausted from the continuous CPR.

"How long's she been down?"

"Forty two minutes,"

"Keep trying. Just in case."

"Move," Dubenko said as he positioned himself, ready to crack Abby. "betadine." It was quickly splashed over her chest as everyone watched, security stood outside the door now.

"Ten blade."

"Here," Luka handed him the instrument, holding back the urge to vomit.

Incision made. "Sternal saw." Susan involuntarily shuddered as that was handed over to Dubenko, Abby's blood was everywhere and it kept coming. Metal on bone. An ungodly crunch.

"How bad?" Sam asked, once she knew Dubenko had successfully cut through Abby's chest.

"Well, I know why she was flat lining," he mumbled. Large hole in the left ventricle. Another in the ascending aorta. Blood was spilling everywhere, down onto the floor, pooling around their feet.

"Can we do anything?" Luka asked, somehow already knowing the answer.

"No. Heart's probably not repairable. Lungs have been shredded. She's gone." Dubenko spoke softly, truthfully.

"NO! There has to be something, move," Susan cried and tried to push past Luka.

"Susan, she's gone."

"What the hell is wrong with you? You're willing to just give up?" she screamed at him, not willing to accept Abby's death just yet.

"If she comes back now, she'll be a gorker."

"You said it probably was not repairable, you have to try Dubenko!"

"So we repair the damage and she's a vegetable?"

"Please," Susan begged, the medical knowledge she once possessed seemed to not apply right then, not when it was Abby's life on the line.

"I'll do what I can. Have you called her husband yet?"

"Susan.." Luka warned, he knew as everyone else did that Abby would never make it up to surgery, the monitors were blaring.

"Do something Luka."

He took a deep breath and looked around at the team assembled, "Susan… she wont make it to surgery,"

"At least try."

Luka looked at Dubenko "what's the damage?"

"Lungs are Swiss cheese, heart's chopped liver, can't imagine her liver or gut fared any better."

"Luka," Sam began quietly, "What do you want us to do?"

"Nothing."

"You want to call it?" Pratt asked softly.

Luka took one more look at her body and knew what the right thing to do the only thing to do "Time of death 23:08," the trauma room went silent.

* * *

Reviews are much appreciated.


	9. Fist Fight

I watched as Susan suddenly bolted up from the gurney, she had no idea that Sean and Kerry were in the room, Kerry attempting to stop my husbands bleeding nose.

"What the hell happened to you?" Susan spoke seeing Sean.

"He and Pratt had a bit of a disagreement," Kerry said, irritated.

"Do I even want to know why?" she asked and looked at her watch, it was nearly one o'clock, they would have to pick up the boys soon.

"Not really."

Susan nodded, but I could tell she was pissed at Sean, hell I was to! He was acting like an ass in the ER. "Did you see what you wanted to Agent Jennings?"

"No. I was obstructed."

Susan stared at him, I knew that glare, it meant someone was in trouble, ha, Sean this time its you.

"By what?"

"I think you know Dr. Lewis,"

"No, actually I don't, why don't you inform me,"

"Ryan."

"Your rank.." Susan began, did she know that Sean had been pulled? It sure as hell didn't seem that way.

"Just shut up Susan," he growled. Behave, both of you. I was wanting to throw something at the both of them, knock some sense into at least one of them, but that would be impossible. Kerry, you know how it works, do something!

"Do I need to separate you two, or do you think you can behave like civilized adults?" she sounded like she was scolding Henry for picking on Cosmo.

"What the hell is your problem Sean? I'm sorry Abby died, I'm sorry I couldn't do anything for her," she looked like she was on the verge of tears.

Kerry took a deep breath, then turned back to Sean, "It's not a displaced fracture, you won't need any intervention, just keep pressure on the bridge until the bleeding stops and tilt your head forward so you don't suffocate," she walked over to Susan.

"What?" Susan said, staring at Kerry. I think her nightmare must have really rattled her.

"You holding up?" Kerry asked quietly, "I can cover if you want to leave."

"I'm fine," her voice cracked and even though she tried to hide it, Kerry didn't miss it.

"Get out of here, your shift's almost over anyhow."

"I can't, I still have to deal with the staff, they're just as bad as me.."

"I'll handle it."

"Are you sure?"

"Would I offer if I wasn't?"

"Thanks Kerry." she paused "what happened out there, what set him off?"

"I only showed up in time to break it up. Don't know. Try Pratt."

"I think I'll try and talk to Sean again," Susan forced a smile.

"If you must."

"That and plus we have to pick up the boys from school in an hour."

Kerry nodded. "He's not particularly rational right now. It'll pass, but don't hold what he does now against him."

"He blames himself for her death."

"It's normal."

"All he can concentrate on is the case, he refers to her as the victim."

"That'll pass. His wife died, there's no good way of dealing with that." Thank you Kerry, thank you for being there for Susan and thank you for helping my husband, who by the way is currently about to exit the exam room you stuck him in, and he doesn't look particularly happy, and here comes Ryan from the opposite direction.

"Sean," Ryan said, almost apologetically

"Agent,"

"You have to believe me-"

"About what?" I could tell he was trying to restrain his temper, trying being the operative word.

"The director of-"

"He needs to speak with me then, not an agent."

"He's at Chicago headquarters. Go speak to him then," Ryan's tone had turned frigid.

"He's here?"

"Here as in Chicago? Yes."

"Why?"

"To handle a case."

"Abby's?"

"Yes."

"I thought for sure he had bigger cases to work then her's."

"He doesn't work on many cases, and they don't get much bigger than your wife's."

Sean stood there, speechless, as did Susan, he never expected the director of the FBI to come down. "I.. um."

"You um rushed to the conclusion that I was being an insobordinating punk?"

"Yeah, look its just that I want this guy, I want to be there to put the cuffs on him," but I don't Sean, I want you there for our boys.

"That's not your place. You belong with your family now. To make sure they handle this okay."

He nodded, "do we have any leads, any idea of where he is?"

"Not yet."

"Do we have anything?" I could hear the emotion in his voice.

"A very good suspect."

"But no idea of where he is, or the murder weapon"

"We've got the murder weapon."

"Where.. where did you find it?"

"About five blocks from here. Kid sliced their hand on it playing in the gutter."

"And you know for a fact that it's the one?"

"Matches the wounds, and it's an odd blade. Blood and prints got washed away, but it's the one."

"Large?" oh yes it was Sean, did you not see the stab wounds?

"Concavely curved and cerrated toward the base, but yeah, big too."

He paused and looked at Ryan, "tell me one thing, this is all I'm asking, how did he get her into that closet?"

"He knew the code for the lock apparently. No one knows where he got it."

"Of course, but the security tapes, it looks like she went willingly, did he say anything to her?"

"He was acting insane as he lured her inside."

"Abby was smart, she should I mean…did she talk to him at all?"

"Yes."

"What did she say, why did she follow him in there? Abby knew, she knew her life was in constant danger, something should have alerted her."

"She thought he was just a patient."

"It doesn't make sense," he turned to Susan and Kerry. "if Abby thought a patient could be psychotic, wouldn't she have asked for someone's assistance?"

"Not always immediately."

"What was said on that tape Ryan, please, I just need to know." I watched as Sean begged and then something occurred to me, I didn't even remember how he tricked me into that closet, how weird.

"Not much. You can listen to it later."

He nodded, "Did. did she know as soon as they were inside?"

"Yeah."

"Did she say anything to him, or what did he say to her?"

"He didn't say much to her."

"He bound, gagged, blindfolded her, then stabbed her, raped her, and stabbed her again and he didn't say anything?"

"Like I said, not much."

"What about Abby?"

"She did most of the talking."

Sean took a deep breath, "what.. tell me at least something.. her first words to him, her last words. Anything?"

"Her first words to him, before or after they got into the closet?"

"Both," I noticed how calm both Sean and Ryan had become, was this how they worked every case?

"Outside, 'Are you lost sir? Can I help you?' inside, Please, you don't have to do this,"

"And her last?"

"You don't need to know."

I saw Sean involuntarily shudder, everyone else did as well. "Please, just.. I need to know."

"Sean, she just.. She simply asked him not to do it."

"Then he gagged her?"

'Yes."

"How long?"

"How long what?'

"How long was he with her, did he stay until she stopped breathing, or just leave after he was done?"

"He left after he raped her the second time."

He nodded, but suddenly stopped and looked at his partner, then to Susan, then back at Ryan. "The second time?"

"He raped her, stabbed her, then gagged her, stabbed her, and raped her again."

"But.. I thought.. Susan you said she was stabbed first,"

"I thought she was. Apparently I was wrong."

"If she was raped before she was gagged.. Didn't she scream, or anything? I mean it doesn't.."

"He had the knife to her throat."

"But Abby isn't exactly the complacent type, she had to fight him,"

"She did."

"I'm missing something here, I know my wife would have tried to do something, would have screamed, fought done anything." a thought occurred to him "was she drugged?"

"Lightly."

"How? Injection?"

"Yes."

"Do we know with what?"

"Phenobarbital."

"She didn't stand a chance after that, did he drug her immediately?"

"Not quite."

Sean nodded and seemed to go into a trance, "he didn't want to drug her did he? He wanted her fully aware,"

"She was still conscious, still aware."

"Yet unable to fight, if he drugged her, why did he gag her?"

"Stubborn. She wouldn't listen to him about keeping quite."

"Was she conscious the second time he.."

"Yes."

"When did she lose consciences?"

"About four minutes after he left."

"Did he say anything to her before he left?"

"No."

"Just left her to die,"

"Yes."

"Was Abby scared Ryan?"

"Probably."

"I could always tell when she was afraid, you could hear it in her voice, it was obvious. So did you hear it? Don't try and protect me, just be honest."

"She was scared shitless."

Sean squeezed his eyes shut, "did he say anything about me to her? Did she know why he was there?"

"Neither said anything about you."

"But he knew who she was, she wasn't just a random victim? I mean, do you think.."

"He said something about being paid."

"Okay, how long did he take with her?" he didn't notice the director approaching, neither did Ryan.

"Three hours."

I saw my husbands face suddenly grow very pale, he looked like he was about to be sick, Susan knew it. "C'mon Sean, got to get your boys home," give him an easy exit

"Three hours.. she was conscious for all of it?"

"Yes."

"He tortured her, it doesn't take over an hour to do what you've told me he did to her," the details of my death, while strangely I couldn't remember them all, were becoming more clear to Sean, damn it.

"Ever watch a cat play with its food? A mouse its tail caught?" Sean shook his head, but he meant yes, he knew exactly what Ryan was telling him.

"The boys will not take kindly to being left for hours."

"Okay," whoa, he was agreeing, "please, find him," he looked at Susan, "ready?"

"Yeah, let's go."

"Ryan.." Sean didn't need to finish the sentence.

"We'll nail the son of a bitch."

He nodded a thank you and him and Susan turned to leave, but turned right into the director. "Sir," Sean spoke.

"Agent Jennings." I watched as Sean debated what to do, what to say, but simple answer was, he didn't know.

"My condolences."

"Thank you sir,"

"You will be kept informed of the situation, but will not be actively involved with the case. Understood?

"Sir! I'm fi.." but the director, Andrew Summers, was a step ahead.

"You're not fine. You're not supposed to be. You're in mourning."

"But sir.." I could see why Summers was in power, why he was the head of the FBI.

"No buts."

"Please, just catch him.."

"We will son. We will."

"Thank you sir," The director just nodded. God. Ansphaugh the sequel. I watched as he reassured my husband by patting him on the shoulder, and then he walked away, leaving Sean and Susan.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Will I ever be?"

"I think Abby would be having a cow right about now," she tried to laugh as they made their way outside.

"Definitely."

"What are you going to tell the boys when they ask you about your nose? No offense, but its not exactly.. non noticeable."

"That I got in a fist fight." Oh Sean, don't you dare!

"I'm not sure Abby would agree with you actually telling the truth on this one."

"I fell?"

"Yeah, that's better," they walked over to the black sedan, as usual it was surrounded by FBI agents.

"But will they believe it?" Hun, when one of them gets into a brawl at school and says he fell, I will be sitting up here laughing my ass off. They will believe it for two seconds.

"They might.. who knows, maybe they wont notice!" the car sped down the street and was soon at the entrance to my sons; school.

"They're not idiots."

"I don't know what to tell them then."

"Tell them you'll tell them when they're older.'

He nodded "Susan, I'm sorry for back at the ER, its just that I.."

"Forgive and forget."


	10. Academic Friction

Sorry about the delay; technical difficulties (computers not turning on, for instance. Followed by a dead moniter. If it's electronic, it hates me), inertia, and life were to blame.

Thanks for sticking with us.

* * *

"Thanks." I watched as they entered the school building, more and more people staring at them. Two minutes until school was out. 

"I'll get Toby, you get Jack and Jacob?"

"Yeah. Oh Susan!" he called to her, "do I need to go to the nurse or anything... about Jacob's insulin," _ah the man was clueless_.

"It's taken care of."

"Thanks," he turned to one of the agents following him, "go with her,"

"I don't need an escort Sean, and Toby's already got one."

"I didn't think Abby needed one either,"

"Sean. No."

"Fine,"

"Thank you."

Sean nodded and then leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest, he closed his eyes and it seemed to be that he had drifted off.

"Asleep on your feet?"

Sean's eyes flew open, the voice had scared him.

"Forgot why we're here Sean?"

"Hi daddy!" Toby jumped into his arms, well before Sean had time to process what was taking place, soon two other five years old had managed to find a limb to hold on to.

"You might want to let your Daddy breathe Toby," Susan said to the kid with his arms around Sean's neck.

"Okay," he let go and landed on the floor, he was smiling, Jacob was smiling, Jack was not.

"What's the matter Jackie?"

"I want to go home," I looked around, something was not right. The picture, where the hell was it?

"We are about to. What's wrong though?"

He looked around and I could see the anger in his expression, everywhere kids were being hugged or lifted into arms by their mothers.

"Okay," Susan said, catching on and taking his hand, "Let's go find Cosmo and we can go home."

"My teacher took my picture," he muttered to Susan.

"Did he take everyone else's picture too?"

"Nobody else had mommy's picture,"

"Wait, I thought you meant it was pi- Why did he take it?"

Jack looked up at her, tears in his eyes, "He said I didn't need to be looking at it, that I would see her after school." _Asshole teacher, ugh! Did he forget?_

"Well, let's go talk to your teacher and get it back then."

"Okay." They walked back down the hall to Jake's classroom and knocked at the door.

"Aunt Susan," my son spoke softly as he saw the man staring back at them, "he's mean."

"I think I can handle him."

"Can I help you?" the teacher spoke, I could tell already that I didn't like him.

"Hi, I'm Susan Lewis. Jack here says you confiscated a photograph of his?"

"It was distracting him." I watched as Sean came through the door.

"For now, I think you'll have to put up with that, be a little understanding of his circumstances."

"I cannot do my job if he is staring at a photograph all day long, he cant concentrate. I had no choice."

"He won't be concentrating well for at least a few months, photograph or no. Better not to traumatize him I think."

"Maybe a day after his mothers murder isn't the best time to start kindergarten!" _Okay_ Sean is _pissed, watch out, _and even worse, Jack heard it.

"Maybe you're not the one to make that judgment."

"If he is distracting the rest of my class, I believe I at least have a say in it, now all the kids want to bring things from home."

"This is a special case."

"Fine, just don't bring it back, alright," he reached into his desk and handed the picture to Susan. But suddenly stopped when he saw the look on Jack's face. "I'm sorry Jack, I was wrong. You can bring it with you, but can you make sure you try and do your work for me?" He nodded solemnly and hugged the photograph to his chest. The teacher turned to Susan then, "I'm sorry, I just, its been a stressful day. The kids are excited because real FBI agents are here, Jack is the only one who seems use to the idea."

"I understand. Just... He's been through a lot lately."

"I know. I met Dr. Lockhart yesterday actually, real nice lady," _that's right I was! Am...Was..._

"She was."

"I'm very sorry for you loss, if Jack cant make it one day, don't worry about his absences," okay now I'm changing my mind about this guy, he was an ass at first, but now.

Sean smiled sadly. "It was nice to have met you Mr..."

"Siricik" Sean shook the man's hand and they left.

"Daddy?" Toby began as they rode home.

"Yeah?"

"Did you catch mommy's bad guy yet?"

"Not yet. It could take a long time."

"Uncle Sean, how long?" Cosmo asked, he was a good kid, straight-A student.

"Impossible to say for certain."

"Everyone at school was asking me about it today, they knew mom worked with her."

"I see."

"Dad, can we watch a movie when we get home?" _ha, like you three are going to be awake when you get home! You cant fool your mother._

"If you're not too tired, sure."

"I'm not tired," Jacob said loudly, crap, he's hyper, his sugar his high, _someon_e check him.

"Okay."

"I wanna watch 'crediables." Translation... The Incrediables. Hate to say it, but he's headed straight for speech therapy.

"Okay."

"And I'm hungry and then I want to play soccer, then hockey," SEAN! _Come on, you're a doctor too; _he's hungry and hyper as hell, some alarms should be going off.

"Okay."

The car pulled up and the doors opened, my boys flying out and running into the house. "Sean, what's wrong?" Susan asked.

"Just tired."

"Abby always said just tired when she was not okay, you two are more alike then you know."

"Fine, I'm miserable and I wish it would all just stop. That better?"

"Have you eaten? We can take the boys out to eat, my treat." _Oh_, good idea Susan! That way my house will stay standing for at least another day.

"I don't know. I was thinking about trying to make some macaroni and cheese or something."

"Yeah, no lets not do that. We can go somewhere fast,"

"I promised Abby I'd learn to cook..."

"I think Abby can forgive you for breaking that promise, at least for a while, besides, no offense Sean, but mac and cheese does not really count as cooking."

"For someone who's burned microwave dinners, it does."

"Do you want to go out or not? Free food for four boys, five boys, cant get much better,"

"Fine."

"I just remembered, Abby has the boys enrolled in gymnastics on Monday nights, do you want them to go or not?" _Yes_ that's right, gymnastics, but it helps with motor development and coordination, _oh and plus its an hour of baby sitting for me_.

"They should."

"Okay. Think of a reasutrant, I'm going to drag them back outside." Susan ran inside and quickly got the boys together, promising them ice cream if they would just come along. "Ready?" she asked Sean seeing him in the exact spot she had left him.

"Sure."

"Where we going? Oh crap, Cosmo run inside and get their gym bags, Abby has them in the laundry room," I am so glad I was organized before...

"Mimi's Cafe. You like their food, right?"

"Its fine with me, come on boys in the car," she had an easy time getting Toby and Jack inside, but Jacob was running around like crazy.

"There a problem Jake?"

_Yes, Susan, check his sugar_, "Nope, I just have lots of energy!"

"Let's just check your glucose, okay?"

"I don't want to," Cosmo, bless him, Jacob looked up to him, wanted to be just like him, he came out carrying the gym bag, all of their gymnastics stuff inside.

"Too bad Jacob."

"What was it at school?" Cosmo asked as he led him over to where Sean was getting the meter ready.

"Don't remember."

"Well its 427 now buddy," Susan said after consulting the meter.

"Ugh. Need a shot?"

"Yeah I think so, come on in the car, lets leave before the media figures out where we are going."

"Fine."

"Where are we going daddy?" Toby asked as the car once again pulled away.

"Out for dinner."

"But where!"

"Mimi's."

The boys nodded they all liked that place. Diner was uneventful, they ate, people started and within an hour they were back in the car, now on their way to gymnastics.


	11. Cartwheels

Sorry about the delays - life's funny, and computers are evil, stupid, psychotic, virus-ridden devices sent to drive us all batty.

Anyhow, read and enjoy; reviews are appreciated.

* * *

Their class had at least six other boys in it, and I felt sorry for their coach. Normally the other moms and I would sit around watching and laughing as our boys systematically tackled, beat, and injured the poor kid. He was simply trying to do his job, but by the look on his face, we could tell he really enjoyed what he did. Alex, that was his name, he couldn't be much older then twenty, and I'm pretty sure at one point the told me he was majoring in medicine. That's right, he did. He wanted to be a pediatric endocrinologist, we got on the subject when poor Tanner was kicked in the hand trying to spot a cartwheel. The kid had kicked him so hard that Tanner's finger dislocated.

"Mommy's a doctor!" I heard Toby shout that night. I looked towards the sound of my sons voice and saw Alex walking over to his boss, showing him his injured appendage.

"Go play doctor, Abby," Maria, one of the moms I always chatted with, said to me, obviously having seen the same thing I had. Maria's twelve year old daughter, Shelby, was on the competitive team. Very talented, pretty, smart. The only problem was that she knew she was all of those things. Gave her quite a complex. I laughed thinking about one time that I had dragged Cosmo with me, he and Shelby had hit it off, and now it seemed that whenever I went, Cosmo always wanted to tag along. _Susan and Maria will have to keep a close eye on the two_. Anyway, back to Alex, his finger was broken, I splinted it, talking about his future career in medicine. He thanked me and that was the end of it. That was close to six months ago - _today would defiantly be different._

The agents accompanied by family to gymnastics as well, _that was quite a sight. _Susan, Cosmo, Sean, the boys and three agents walked through the door, and suddenly it got very quite there. Just like at school, at the reasutrant, not that they should have expected anything else.

"Coach Tanner!" Jacob shouted and ran over to the coach, seeing his coach talking to his boss.

"Hi Jacob," he said, slightly shocked that the boys were in attenendace. He was the only one that ran over though; Jack and Toby stayed behind, next to their daddy. I was always the one who took them to gymnastics although Sean had come and watched a few times, when he was not working on a case.

I looked around, Shelby was there as was Maria, and a few of the other parents I had chatted with before.

Cosmo walked over to Shelby, they quickly engrossed themselves in conversation.

"Yeah, last night," Cosmo spoke softly, I'm guessing he was referring to my death.

"I met her once, right?" Shelby asked as she shook off her warm up jacket, getting ready for her evening workout.

"Probably more, she has the three boys,"

"The doctor?" she asked, as if it was suddenly dawning on her. _Alright, so maybe she wasn't _that _smart_. I watched the two talk. But then my focus went back to my boys and Susan and Sean, they were sitting in the bleachers just watching the kids jump around.

Three hours later, the boys were all in my bed once again, and I knew this was quickly becoming a habit. Susan and Sean were downstairs, on the porch, talking.

"Picked a home yet? A funeral parlor, I mean."

"No. I don't even know how to begin the search."

"Yellow pages."

"You're a doctor, have you ever had to recommend a home for someone," the man was clueless.

"That's really not in the job description."

"God, Susan," he said looking up at the stars, "how did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Hold it together, how have you been doing it? Especially when you found her, when you pronounced her, how? Because I'm falling apart,"

"I'm slow to process. In a few weeks, or maybe months, I'll have the time to have my breakdown, and go through a brief period of nonfunctionality."

"The funeral, I'm planning my wife's funeral. I knew this was a possibility when I took the job. I always ignored it."

"So did she. She considered the risk worthwhile."

"I love her so much, I..." he paused "I'm resigning after this, once they catch him, I'm done," _no Sean, don't give it all up for me. Our boys maybe, not me_.

"It won't do her any good."

"But my boys,"

"Go back to medicine?"

"Yes, I think so,"

"What specialty?"

He paused, "I thought about trauma surgery,"

"Scary how alike you two are."

"_Were_, how alike we were," he mumbled softly and began twisting the wedding ring on his finger.

"That's not the point."

"But then, trauma surgery would equal long hours, hours away from the boy,." _Oh,I know what you're thinking_, you cant do trauma surgery, you can't put yourself in the position that Duebenko was in. Every time you saw a person come in, you would visualize me.

"Maybe family practice or research?"

"Maybe pick up where Abby left off," _ah, an ER doc, very nice Sean, but no_.

"I'm not sure. The residency... You'd barely see the boys. And the hours after that aren't exactly regular."

"True, then how did Abby make the time?" _because I'm a genius Sean!_

"I think she ran on caffeine. Lots of caffeine_," Susan says that as though there are people who don't. Well, if there are, I know she isn't one of them._

"She was a good doctor,"

"Definitely," _Thank you, thank you_, I smiled, _they appreciate what I do, no they appreciated what I did. Still trying to get use to the fact._

I watched as an agent stepped outside, phone in his hand, "Sir, it's America's Most Wanted, they want to know if we would like their assistance?" _okay, wow, how cool is that_! Wait. I'm dead, _not cool, never mind_.

"Why not?" he decided after long moments of consideration. _Probably wouldn't do much good. But just might give some sort of lead._

"They need to speak with you sir," the agent handed the phone over.

"Hello," Sean spoke into it, rubbing his forehead. "Yes, that's fine. His name is Miguel Sanchez, yes that's him. Yes, tomorrow is fine, thank you," he hung up the phone and placed it down on the table.

"She's going to be on TV? Or he is, I guess?" Susan asked, thinking something along the lines of how much I'd either have loved or hated being on television.

"They want to run her story, get the word out, see if anyone has any idea where our suspect is. But then again, I'm sure the entire country knows at least something about what he might look like now,"

"But a photograph might clarify things in their minds."

"I hope so, he's probably already left the country, or I don't know, maybe he's being his smug self and is hiding out in Chicago somewhere," _second one Sean_, he's five blocks from County, his family is protecting him.

"Either way, he's not going to stay out there forever."

Sean nodded, not knowing what to say to that, "Susan, thank you for being here, I couldn't have done it with out you. But you need to go home, be with your family, Chuck I'm sure misses you."

"He knows I'm here, trying to help. I'll go if you want me to."

"Once this has calmed down a bit. I owe you something, let me take your family out to diner," he offered, trying to keep his mind off of me. They walked inside, into the living room, and sat down on the couch,. Cosmo had fallen asleep watching TV, the news was on now.

"It's not necessary, really."

"You've done so much for me, the boys."

"Abby was my best friend, bailed me out a few times. I owed her at least as much."

"You two had a lot of good times together, she loved working with you,"_ That I did, Susan _and I somehow always managed to laugh at work, even if it was a horrible day. The last time I laughed was at work with Susan.

"She... That sort of cranky sense of humor... She helped to keep things going on the really bad days."

"Thanks Susan." he said honestly. "I.. do you think I should try and get a hold of Maggie?"

"I think so," she said after a moment's hesitation. _I just hoped they'll be able _to reach her.

"Then again, if she's turned on the television or looked at any newspaper, she already knows," _reaching Maggie shouldn't be that hard, especially for the FBI. Then again, I don't even know where she's at._

"True. Still...She should at least be invited."

"I can do it later right? I mean it doesn't have to be now?" _Sean, come on, _snap out of it, _go get some sleep, you have to be able to function in the morning._

"Tomorrow might be good. It's pretty late."

"Alright, Susan I'm going to send an agent with you, make sure you get home safely," _good idea Sean, you never know. _I miss Susan, I miss all of you, but sure as hell don't want to see you up here any time soon, especially at the hands of 'him.'

"You don't need to send the agent. I'll be alright," and Susan claimed I was stubborn.

"No, I do, please Susan. Abby never saw it coming, you might not."

"I'll watch over my shoulder, I promise."

"Susan, it doesn't matter if he has a knife, a gun, whatever and you are defenseless."

I could see her mind flash to Cosmo, "I won't make a habit of it. Letting the agents escort me, alright?"

"And I promise I won't either, just until he is caught Susan, I don't know who he is targeting next," _don't worry Sean, he's held up in his little two bedroom house_, scared to even look out the window.

"Could you do me a huge favor?" she begged him quietly. Somehow I'm guessing it's not all that big and he'll definitely do it.

"Sure, I owe you a few," clueless.. again.

"Carry Cosmo to the car. It's late, I don't want to wake him."

Sean stared at her, realizing he had lost, "Okay," he nodded and walked over to the sleeping boy. Gently he lifted him into his arms, and carried him out the door, the press following of course.

Some reporter asked Susan a really dumb question. Was she sleeping with my husband. She didn't say a word. But a very expressive finger was seen by all.

"Susan," Sean started in again, "please, just until," _ah there was something else he still wanted to know._

"What?" she didn't want the game of beating around the bush.

"Never mind," _don't worry Sean, they _wil_l be fine_. "Um, the boys, school tomorrow, I mean... What do you think?"

"I'd say send them. I'll pick them up if you'd like."

"I think I might let them sleep in late, then go from there," he was right. The kids hadn't slept now for two nights, let them get their rest.

"Okay. Maybe miss a day?"

"Yeah," he paused, "that way I can stay home, make the funeral arrangements," besides the fact that _one of the biggest shows on television is coming to our house_! Damn it! Sean if they ask for a photograph, you'd better make sure it's a _good one._

"Okay. Want me to come by, or no?"

_Um, lets see, Sean, yes_! "Do you mind, I mean you don't have to? I think the boys will probably just watch movies all day long, Abby would kill me but..." he stopped, realizing what he said, it was still to soon for him.

"I'll keep the boys occupied for you."

"I don't want them out Susan, not in public, not yet," _good plan Sean._

"No, I understand perfectly. I meant around the house. Books, board games. Maybe take them over to my place if it's okay with you."

"Not without an agent there with you, you are more then welcome here."

"Okay, here, but not underfoot."

"Thank you. What time do you want to come over?"

"I drop Cosmo off at six so he can go to science club before class. Any time after six thirty is fine. Whatever's good for you."

"Six forty five is good," _damn, do you people sleep_? No wait, don't answer that. _Dumb question_, one an ER doc and the other FBI. The word _sleep_ does not exist in their vocabularies, although it should. _Susan, drug him_! Sedate him, something! He won't sleep until my ... Is caught, and he has to! Then again, _why am I telling you to do this when you consider under five hours normal_, and anything over three 'good'? _God, how do I wind up with the crazy people? _Crap, I must have got lost in my train of thought there, I look back and Sean is back inside the house and from the looks of it, about to fall asleep on the couch, five, four, three, two, one and he is out! Thank you! Now, everyone is asleep, I have time to think.

_The only thing my mind really keeps going to is that night, strange I haven't really been able to actually think about it until now._


End file.
